my pink toes

Well, I officially participated in NaBloPoMo. I think I only created 2 or 3 posts of substance, but participating did for me what I hoped it would - it helped me over my reluctance and got me focused again on my writing. I have paid more attention again to my inner life and how important the writing process is to me - how deeply I love it. I'm hoping to have more discipline in this area.

I've also discovered some other voices this month that I very much enjoy and will continue to read. Thanks to all of you who post, NaBloPoMo or not - you make my life much richer.

And thanks to Fussy, for the kick in the butt!

Filed Under "Meta" on November 30, 2006 | Permalink

Today was the second snow day in a row. But it was actually better than yesterday. I think I just embraced the fact that we were totally housebound and decided to make the most of it. I baked, I decorated for Christmas, I cuddled with the boys.

Our babysitter was the saving grace. She lives 2 houses down and came for most of the day. A welcome distraction. For all of us.

Filed Under "Everything Else" on November 29, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

My oral surgeon called with the pathology report today.

Some of the cells looked abnormal. “Abnormal as in….?” I asked.

“Well, the pathology guys marked them as abnormal. But they were probably abnormal from trauma. Most likely not abnormal from cancer.

“I don’t want you to worry about it, but you should give me a call around March or so and schedule an appointment for a check-up. Enjoy the holidays. I’m sure it’s most likely probably nothing. I’m sure it’s just the trauma and nothing to worry about.”

Looks like I’m mostly, almost-positive, pretty-sure cancer free.

This is the adult life. No clear victories. No blacks and whites. Just small steps forward in what we trust to be the right direction.

Filed Under "Medical Freak(out)" on November 28, 2006 | Permalink

Another photo entry today. I'm hoping to distill my other thoughts into a post in a couple days.

Filed Under "Kidlets" on November 27, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It's acually snowing here today. I know by national standards, it's no big deal to get snow on Thanksgiving weekend. But by Seattle standards, it's quite unusual. We don't get much snow here - some years, not any - and usually not until January. But here I am, online-Christmas-shopping away, watching the snow come down through my window. It's so peaceful, and yet unsettling.

I grew up in eastern Washington, where snow is common and plentiful. I even took my driver's test in the snow. We always had studded snow tires and drove wherever, whenever. I distinctly remember Dad shoveling the driveway on Sundays to get a headstart for the next day's commute, and him dragging us around the yard by our ankles, getting snow in our pants and wedged up our backs. We would all run inside after for hot chocolate and a sit-down on the heat register. We would fight over who got to stick their cold feet under the dog's warm belly.

Here, snow is a different thing entirely. Many non-natives tease us mercilessly for our snow-phobia. It's true, the city does come to a screeching halt when the white stuff flows down. But as an adult, I've seen reasons for the panic. We have hills here, lots of hills. Also, when it snows here, it's often just barely on the temperature bubble between rain and snow and the precipitation transforms fluidly from solid to liquid throughout the day. That means that the beautiful snow we wake up to will melt into a slush and then freeze into a slippery, unpredictable sheet of ice by nightfall. Repeat this layer upon layer, and you can see we are driving on an complicated strata of uncertainty.

When I was a teacher, I loved the snow days as much as any student - they were "free" days for me, too! But now as my life includes my own children and more complicated responsibilities, I am more wary of the snow. Now I have two little lives in my car, at the whim of my and other drivers' abilitites to manuever the ice and sleet of varying degrees.

I'm off to meet my extended family at Nana's house. I know the children will be estatic, and I want to share in their joy. I will laugh and guess with them the probabilities of having school canceled tomorrow, or at least a late start. But deep down, I will worry. This is one of the ways motherhood has changed me irrevocably.

Filed Under "Motherhood and Apple Pie" on November 26, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Just a photo today of my cute boys. Enjoy!

Filed Under "Kidlets" on November 25, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Ugh. We had a lovely Thanksgiving, and it's been great for the kids to have a break from school, with half-days all last week, and these 2 days off. But I'm done with people. I need a break My patience is wearing very thin and I'm snapping at the boys when they don't really deserve it. Mommy needs a time out.

*Our friend's son used to say this when he was 2 and wanted to be left alone. We found it so charming, we've added it to our collective vocabulary.

Filed Under "Rants" on November 24, 2006 | Permalink

We were surrounded by friends and family, ate lots of turkey and fixin's, drank wine wine wine, and ended the evening with a series of lively conversations about books. What could be better?

Filed Under "Everything Else" on November 23, 2006 | Permalink

The turkey is soaking in its brine (I can't wait to roast it and make the gravy!), the veggies for the stuffing are all chopped, the floor is mopped, and the dishwasher is running. I even made it to Yoga tonight - I thought the mental and physical rejuvenation would be well worth the extra two hours of prep and I made the right choice for once.

My tongue still hurts like crazy. Looks like I'll have to save most of my Thanksgiving dinner to eat another day. The good news is that I won't be tempted to stuff myself.

I'm off to get a good night's sleep and then plunge into the kitchen tomorrow.

Filed Under "Everything Else" on November 22, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

mypinktoes is in a bit of a flux tonight. My stellar techie husband is helping me iron out some Movable Type kinks. My brain hurts (I am NOT a programmer - I'm an English major!)... my tongue hurts (did I mention I had a fair amount of tissue removed? I just did the math... the surgeon took out two 5 mm punches of tissue... That's 40 mm²!) Yikes! No wonder I feel like crap.

Did I mention there are 17 people coming here for dinner in TWO DAYS?

Filed Under "Everything Else" on November 21, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I cannot stand it when people leave a message that just says, "Hey. Give me a call".

It's called voice MAIL for a reason. Would you send a letter that said, "Hey, send me a letter - I've got something to tell you?". Aaaargh! In this era of busyness and technology, can we not use some of this technology to make our lives BETTER? If you keep leaving me messages that say "Hey" and then I leave a message that says "Hey" back, we have gotten NOWHERE and taken up TWO WHOLE DAYS. I have no time limit on my voice mail. Talk as long as you want. The more details the better.

Some of the worst offenders are some of the most tech-savvy people I know.

Filed Under "Rants" on November 20, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm adding a new category: Shiny Things - things I am drawn to like moths to a flame...like crows to tinfoil....
...things I think are cool and that I love to drool over.

My current excitement is about Food Loops (silicone tying strings). I just ordered them, so they'll be too late for Thanksgiving, but I look forward to securing a stuffed pork tenderloin with them sometime in the near future. And, they're pink!

Here's a better shot:

Also, these rolling pin spacers. I heard about them from Alton Brown and can't wait to try them!

Filed Under "Shiny Things" on November 19, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm sorry - I don't have the energy for a real entry today, but i've got to keep the NaBloPoMo thing up! I had Floyd and his smaller accomplice, Vito, removed yesterday. It hurts much worse than I thought it would and I'm more tired than I anticipated.

On the bonus side - I got to see 2 "punches" of my tongue. They used a tissue punch that takes like a core sample. They showed me Vito and Floyd swimming around their little biopsy bottle. Nauseating and fascinating at the same time...

Filed Under "Medical Freak(out)" on November 18, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Dave and I got out this afternoon to a movie together - a fun treat. We saw the newest Bond flick and wow - I liked it. A lot. I was prepared to hate the new Bond because: 1. Who? 2. Blonde? 3. He's not Sean Connery or Remington Steele Pierce Brosnan.

As it turns out, Daniel Craig is an amazing Bond. He makes the character more believable, yet still way cooler than any normal person could be. His blue eyes have less a debonair quality than more recent Bonds. Instead, his eyes always have behind them a bit of insecurity – a glimpse of a need to prove himself. This Bond actually seems vulnerable.

He reminds me of Steve McQueen – not a head-turner, but there’s something about how he moves and how he looks at people that is far more attractive and compelling than stunning good looks alone. He’s much more Matt Damon than Brad Pitt.

I, for one, am sold on the new Bond. I can’t wait to see Daniel Craig “Die Another Day”.

Filed Under "Everything Else" on November 17, 2006 | Permalink

I get my biopsy tomorrow. I'm relieved that it should be a non-event in the pathology department, but still a bit nervous about the surgery. It's a brief procedure, done under local anesthetic and then stiched up. I'll be sore a couple of days.

Good news for my book group: they'll actually be able to get a word in edgewise tomorrow!

Hayth! Thurn thoo paze thixty-sethen.. Thee how the author tathes the main charather...Oh nethermithnd.

Filed Under "Medical Freak(out)" on November 16, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This is one of my favorite poems. It speaks to the dreams I have for myself, my children, and everyone who is closest to me.

The Writer by Richard Wilbur

In her room at the prow of the house
Where light breaks, and the windows are tossed with linden,
My daughter is writing a story.

I pause in the stairwell, hearing
From her shut door a commotion of typewriter keys
Like a chain hauled over a gunwale.

Young as she is, the stuff
Of her life is a great cargo, and some of it heavy:
I wish her a lucky passage.

But now it is she who pauses,
As if to reject my thought and its easy figure.
A stillness greatens, in which

The whole house seems to be thinking,
And then she is at it again with a bunched clamor
Of strokes, and again is silent.

I remember the dazed starling
Which was trapped in that very room, two years ago;
How we stole in, lifted a sash

And retreated, not to affright it;
And how for a helpless hour, through the crack of the door,
We watched the sleek, wild, dark

And iridescent creature
Batter against the brilliance, drop like a glove
To the hard floor, or the desk-top.

And wait then, humped and bloody,
For the wits to try it again; and how our spirits
Rose when, suddenly sure,

It lifted off from a chair-back,
Beating a smooth course for the right window
And clearing the sill of the world.

It is always a matter, my darling,
Of life or death, as I had forgotten. I wish
What I wished you before, but harder.

Filed Under "Quotes" on November 15, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I know many people who treat their pets as children. I suppose there was a time when I could have gone that way, but then I had a baby of my own. The cats went from being our children to being “those dang cats”. After being spit on, sucked on, and clung to all day, the last thing I wanted was a furry tail in my face. I took to dumping Pixel off the bed whenever I was annoyed. For a while, I felt a bit of guilt. Then I settled onto a realization: I have a limited amount of emotional and physical resources. Although my cat may grow up emotionally damaged, he can’t gun down his high school. I’ll spend my precious resources on family members with opposable thumbs.

Filed Under "Motherhood and Apple Pie" on November 14, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I am very late in my book updates. I read at least one book a month for book group, and quite a few this year have been wonderful. I also added a "Currently Reading" notification on the sidebar.

Here are a few recommended books with brief notes. I’ll work on expanding them in subsequent entries soon.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer
This book may be my favorite book of all time. I’ll have to give it a year to see how well it sticks for me. I’m always much too attached to a book right after reading it to give a proper life-list rating. But this book is wonderful. It’s heartbreaking, but in a beautiful way.

Cloud Atlas: A Novel by David Mitchell

It sounds so cliché to call something a “literary masterpiece”, but I’m going to anyway. This book has an experimental structure - it’s as if you opened six books, stacked them on top of each other and read up one side and down the other – and for me the experiment pays off handsomely. The stories have a few interwoven elements, but they are elusive. The genres and themes Mitchell covers in this book are expansive, but not too far-reaching. I felt the book held together nicely.

Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke

This is a wonderful book. It’s quite long, and doesn’t really get going until about page 75, but it’s well worth it. The best test I know to help you decide whether you’d like it is this: do you like Dickens? If yes, you’ll love this book. If you hate Dickens, you’ll probably hate this book. The author meanders along and the footnotes (which often go on for pages at a time) read like their own set of interwoven stories. If you can sit back and enjoy the ride, I think you’ll enjoy all the little places the writer takes you.

*Whew, the HTML learning curve is still a bit high! If anyone knows the right code to use to have my text wrap around the book images, instead of putting it on separate lines, I'd love to know!*

Filed Under "Books" on November 13, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I am now used to my body failing me. My joints, bones, ligaments, and nerves often fail me, unpredictably. I sense the spaces in between the elements of my body and know I do not control them. I am at their mercy. Sometimes the pain knocks me flat, wipes me out. I am trying to listen to the messages in these spaces, to learn what I can. I still cannot predict how my body will act, but I now know how to react. I have learned to rest. I have learned to hear the message even when I don’t understand it.

The possibility of cancer seemed altogether different. I felt I had been betrayed by my body at my very core. How could it be such a traitor? To give my cellular plans to invaders, letting them reproduce with abandon.

I am relieved to not have cancer. And still unsettled by my body. Unsettled by the whole experience.

Filed Under "Medical Freak(out)" on November 12, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It's an all-boy house here. We had some friends and their one-year-old daughter over for dinner. We are all light-sabers and wrestling, hi-yah! and blasters. She was a little intimidated, but then jumped right in.

Later, when Henry and I were reading for bed, he was sounding out words. We got to "bad" and he said, "That's a hard one Mom" (he has trouble differentiating "b" and "d"). Then he continued, "But it's a cool word - it looks like they're attacking the "a"!"

Filed Under "Henry" on November 11, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

1. smitten - to impress favorably; charm; enamor: "He was smitten by her charms".
I love this word! Just saying it puts that goofy love-struck smile on your face - try it. Mmmm - I'm smitten by this word.

2. behoove- to be worthwhile to, as for personal profit or advantage: "It would behoove you to ask Mommy nicely."
This is one of those great old English/legal-eese sorts of words. It sounds all proper, but the "oo" makes it sort of silly. It's kind of like having Mr. Bean read from the King James.

*thanks to Maggie for the inspiration!

Filed Under "Everything Else" on November 10, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

But the new Dr is going to excise and biopsy him just to make sure. Today, he told me my chances of it being cancer were 0% and the chances of it being pre-cancer were 1%. Good news!

Unfortunately, this followed a similar cycle to many of the events I've had in my life: getting concerned about something and then having it minimized. The Dr in this case was wonderful, and not condescending at all. But in my childhood and in my adulthod, I've been traumatized by people who have minimized many of my feelings - physical and emotional. I was always told to "Shut up and tough it out" as a kid, no matter what was wrong. Happy (but not TOO happy) was the only acceptable emotion at my house and "fine" was the only acceptable answer to how I felt physically. Many times I felt bad, but was told I was oversensitive.

This has carried over into my adult life, and now as I fully come out of denial and pursue treatment for chronic pain issues, I bump into these situations again and again. Part of how I've been able to spend 16 years in on-again/off-again denial is that I was raised to not trust myself - to naturally fear whatever I feel. What I felt was always wrong, so how could I trust it?

It's a long, hard road to truth and healing.

Filed Under "Medical Freak(out)" on November 09, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Things that make me cry: the end of Charlotte's Web, impossible center field catches, and the day after election day.

It's not as stereotypical as a Hallmark commercial, but sometime on election day or the day after, I am always overcome by tears. As I listened to the results today, the tears came. I felt overwhelmed by how lucky I am - by how lucky WE are. I can listen to the pundits droning, the new officials promising, and the radio hosts tallying the votes. We complain about the elections, about all the coverage, the mudslining, etc. But we are so very lucky. It is only because of the freedom we have in this country and our stable republic and democracy that we CAN listen to the overblown election blather.

I voted yesterday and no one threatened me. I didn't face gunfire. And today, the new leaders talk about taking office - no violent coup, no bloodshed. My life will be pretty similar in January to what it is now. We move in inches in a democracy, not feet. But thankfully, it all seems like it moves mostly in the same direction. Other countries have more distinct changes, but they are burst of violence or passion that never quite gain a foothold. I'd rather inch along in a positive direction.

I'm so grateful that this "American Experiment" works.

Filed Under "Everything Else" on November 08, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Did you vote yet?
Go. Now. It's ok, I'll wait.
You can't complain if you don't contribute.

Filed Under "Everything Else" on November 07, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I saw the oral surgeon today and he said my tongue lesion was most likely callousing from irritation, but he wants to excise and biopsy it. He says with white lesions (like mine), they are usually (80%) non-cancerous and I have no other lifestyle/age issues that would indicate a predisposition to cancer.

Unfortunately, there are only 3 doctors in the greater Seattle area that are in my network to get this procedure covered by my insurance, and the Dr. I saw today is not one of them. So, I had to make an appointment with another doctor on Thursday for evaluation. After that, I'll have to make another appointment for excise and biopsy. Fortunately, this in-network doctor was recommended by the Dr. I saw today.

Of course, I also had to spend at least half an hour on the phone with my insurance company. They said they covered 100% of "reasonable and customary fees". I asked them what the number was - what is the amount they consider to be "reasonable and customary" for this procedure. It's like playing chicken - "you tell me"..."no, no, you tell me". Finally, after being on hold for over 5 minutes, she gave me a number, immediately followed by the disclaimer "but this could change at any time". Um, thanks for the help?

I'll let you know when I know any more. Looks like it will be at least 3 weeks before I get any real results.

Filed Under "Medical Freak(out)" on November 06, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

A: What kind of gun does Santa have?
A's Mom: Huh? Santa doesn't have guns.
A: Why not?
Mom: Um, because he's a pacifist.
A: What's a pacifist?
Mom: Someone who doesn't believe in war or weapons.
A: That's dumb. I'm not a pacifist, I'm a weaponsafist!

Filed Under "Overheard" on November 05, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I went to the dentist yesterday. I am 3 months overdue for a cleaning, because I finally realized I disliked my other dentist so much that I was not setting an appointment because I was dreading going back there. The office had a weird vibe to it - like I was walking in to a group of students serving an in-school-suspension, but without the sly humor. The hygenists were barely civil to each other and the doctor addressed his staff in as few words as possible. The first 2 times I went in, I thought it was me......but then I realized the 3rd time I went in that they had a new receptionist EVERY time I came in (that's every SIX MONTHS). That, and the great sighing that accompanied any task they had to perform for me, finally convinced me to switch.

Aaaaanyway, I finally made an appointment with a different dentist. I expected to be in and out in 40 minutes. I had X-rays taken, chatted with the hygenist, showed her the sore on my tongue, discussed my coming back for a cleaning, and then the doctor came in. She looked around, did the 2-2-1, 2-3-1 thing, and then looked at my tongue a couple times. When she was done, she rolled her chair so that she was right in my face and told me that she was very concerned about the thing on my tongue and I needed to see an oral surgeon right away.

I told her I was sure it was just a cankersore I got from postponing my cleaning those extra 3 months and that it was getting better. I said I'd had it a bunch of times before, and it always resolves itself. "So, why do you want me to see an oral surgeon about it - can he help check for teeth clenching or whatever else is causing it?"

"No. You need to see an oral surgeon right away so that he can excise the lump and have it biopsied. By the way, have you ever been a smoker or tobacco user?"

Huh? She repeated this to me, and stressed the urgency of the timing with the dental assistant twice. Then I was lead out to the reception area, followed slightly after by the assisant. With wide eyes, she said the doctor had told her AGAIN how important this was and that I could not leave until I had the appointment.

Apparently convinced by the gravity of the situation, the oral surgeon squeezed me in for this Monday.

I thought I was handling this pretty nonchalantly, in a pocucurante fashion, but then I broke down in the afternoon. On top of everything else going on with My Health, this is positively overwhelming. This year has already been so immense in the list of things that have Gone Wrong. And this, this wasn't even on my RADAR!

My good friend jokingly asked me what the big unconfessed sin was in my life. That was a joke, right? Right?

Filed Under "Medical Freak(out)" on November 04, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I can't stand it when grown men wear hats in professional situations. Like, in interviews (yes, I'm looking at you, Ron Howard....Steven Spielberg).
I looked inside a library window the other day, and there was a man giving a lecture in a REI-style cowboy hat.
How can anyone take you seriously when you're wearing a hat? We're too distracted, thinking "he must be making a statement...what could that statement be?"
It does not make you look quirky, youthful, or adventurous.
It makes you look ridiculous.

Filed Under "Rants" on November 03, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

As part of the ongoing saga that involves the state of My Health, I finally got the results from my sleep study today. First, I had the great experience of having myvitals taken by a nurse that kept yawning. She shuffled sleepily around the clinic, in search of the large blood pressure cuff. I made a crack and she laughed, telling me she was the poster child for the clinic. I was a bit concerned that the doctor doesn't seem to have been able to help his own nurse...

The sleep study doctor is an interesting fellow. He can't be any older than 40, and I'd put my bet on younger. He has a very heavy Asian accent, and he doesn't seem to have a clue what to do with me. We talked about the results (add another diagnosis to the pile: Periodic Limb Movement Disorder) and then he started lecturing on my overuse of Sudafed. I told him it concerned me too and that I talked about it frequently with my PCP. He mumbled something about how dangerous it is, especially for wgghmrty patients. Huh? He had already made many comments about my weight (which for the record, is significantly greater than it should be), so I thought maybe he said "weighty" patients. I asked him to clarify. He said "Sudafed is not good for lady patients".

Excuse me? LADY patients? Did you just call me a LADY patient? What, does he expect me to fall over from an attack of the vapors?

Then he went on to explain, "Yes, there's a paper out saying Sudafed might not be good for the minds of lady patients". Um, okay? So, does he think I'm making everything up because my uterus is jumping around in my body?

No wonder I've spent so much time in denial instead of pursing answers about My Health. Unfortunately, I've had this kind of experience far too many times.

Filed Under "Everything Else, Medical Freak(out)" on November 02, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Yep, I'm jumping on the bandwagon.

Hopefully this will help me over my blogger's/writer's block.
Or maybe you'll just hear a lot about my cats.

Here's the official stuff, thanks to fussy

Filed Under "Meta" on November 01, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)