Betrayal
I am now used to my body failing me. My joints, bones, ligaments, and nerves often fail me, unpredictably. I sense the spaces in between the elements of my body and know I do not control them. I am at their mercy. Sometimes the pain knocks me flat, wipes me out. I am trying to listen to the messages in these spaces, to learn what I can. I still cannot predict how my body will act, but I now know how to react. I have learned to rest. I have learned to hear the message even when I don’t understand it.
The possibility of cancer seemed altogether different. I felt I had been betrayed by my body at my very core. How could it be such a traitor? To give my cellular plans to invaders, letting them reproduce with abandon.
I am relieved to not have cancer. And still unsettled by my body. Unsettled by the whole experience.