my pink toes

My surgery is tomorrow at 10 am.

I'm getting nervous and scared. (Finally). I knew this was going to happen and was wondering when it would finally hit me. I'm so excited for "the rest of my life" to start, and I'm eager to get this done, but I'm still nervous.

I'm told that a common "first reaction" upon waking up from surgery is regret. I've heard it comes from the idea that they were feeling fine the day before and now they did something so invasive and made themselves feel so physically bad - on purpose!

I know I'm not going to have that reaction. I'm not trying to sound arrogant or special here, it's just that I have so many health and chronic pain issues (hardly any are weight related, by the way), and spend so much of my time in doctors' offices, having testing done and the like, that the hospital experience itself is not really out-of-the-norm for me. Also, frankly, I am in pain every day of my life. It's not like I'm going to go in feeling great (because I almost never do) and come out feeling worse than ever (although perhaps I am minimizing surgery, here).

Lastly, I had my tonsils taken out 5 years ago, at the age of 30. THAT, my friends, truly sucked. I was in horrible, horrible pain for 3 entire weeks. I knew I'd be bad going in, and it really was. I also knew it would be worth it to reduce all the throat and ear infections I'd had over the many years, and it was. The short term was horrible, but the long-term has been so worth it. I'm thinking this Lap-Band surgery is going to be the same way.

I'm starting to have butterflies and lightheadedness. I think it's because my habits are so drastically going to change. I'm getting the Lap-Band because I NEED the help to change my habits. If I could do it by myself without the Band, I would have. There are some deep psychological barriers I've had to changing my habits, otherwise they wouldn't so be so ingrained. It is going to be very very painful to change all these habits. I have been reluctant to change my habits for a reason. I know this weight has been my protection - my barrier against some deep hurts. I don't really understand why it's been so hard to let go of it, but I know there is much more here than just "eating too much because it tastes good". I'm scared to face the emotional issues. I'm so glad I have my therapist, my fabulous husband, and my amazingly supportive friends and family.

I feel like I'm preparing to climb a mountain: I know it will be long, hard, cold, exhausting, dangerous work. I'm going to slip. I'm going to feel like I've run out of air. Sometimes, I will hate myself for starting this journey at all. And then, someday in the next two years, I will hit the summit. I will look out from the top of the mountain and lose my breath at the beauty of it all. I will be scarred. I will have learned a lot. It will be worth it.

[Read more about my Lap-Band Journey at A Little Squeeze]