" /> my pink toes: June 2007 Archives

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June 30, 2007

Aye! Tunes


Listening to music on Mommy's 'punkyewter'
Yo Ho, Pirate's Life for my from iTunes
When Henry was born nearly seven years ago, we still thought we were pretty hip to have a DVD player. We recorded his favorite show every day on the good old-fashioned VCR. We actually watched the morning line-up on PBS AS IT WAS BROADCAST.

By the time Peter arrived nearly three years ago, Dave had made his own Linux-based DVR (affectionately dubbed the DiVO). Peter has no concept that shows air at a certain time. He watches whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I have no idea what the current PBS line-up is, because he is an all-Scooby-all-the-time guy. And with the DiVO, it’s “No problem – Scooby coming right up!” He begs to watch “the baseball guys” with me in the afternoons and I have to explain to him that there’s no game on right now because the Mariners don’t play till seven. He doesn’t understand why I don’t DVR the games.

We’re not early technology adopters. Not because we don’t like gadgets and geekiness (we do! we do!). It’s because we’re cheap. Well, my husband is cheap, and I’m learning how to be cheap too. It’s quite good for things like “the bottom line”, “living debt-free”, and “possibly being able to retire before we’re 75”. Since we’re tech-savvy-but-cheap, we drool a lot and think about all the great 2007 technology we can buy in 2010 when it’s all out-dated and therefore finally within our price range. [Ok, here’s my big technology-doofus secret: I just don’t get the whole “texting” thing. I’m pretty sure that if I were stuck in quicksand and my life depended on it, I would die before I could num-key out the letters “h-e-l-p-m-e” on my phone. I’ve sent 5 texts in my entire life, and one of them took 30 minutes to compose.]

Anyway - for Christmas, I got an iPod nano (thanks, Sweetie!). It’s cute, it's pink, and I use it all the time. I even took the giant step of downloading music for Peter onto it. With Henry, I bought train-themed CDs to play in the car. With Peter, I decided to buy some pirate-y songs off of iTunes to keep us company on our daily travels. We started with the theme song from “The Pirates of the Caribbean” ride. (We had been singing “Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate’s life for me!” and figured there must be more words to that song. We discovered that no, actually - there aren’t too many more words, and what additional words there are, are quite banally forgettable. Is the song stuck in your head now? You’re welcome! …But I digress). To upload the songs, etc. I have iTunes on my computer. Now every morning, Peter begs to listen to his pirate songs on my "punkyewter" while I take a shower. I snapped a photo of him doing it because I was so struck by the picture of technology.

Back when I was a kid, my brother and I played LPs of Cinderella, Robin Hood and Peter Pan – first on our red Fisher Price kids’(!) phonograph, and later on the gigantic console stereo that Mom and Dad moved to the basement. I vividly remember the Christmas my grandmother gave us CASSETTE PLAYERS!

I love technology, but sometimes am wistful for “the way things were”. I think it’s more a manifestation of how Complicated and Real life gets over time. It’s not that my iPod is that much more advanced and complex than my red phonograph, it’s that my life is more complicated and complex now. I have more responsibilities and am more aware of what’s going on around me.

I hope when my children are older, they will sometimes be wistful for the old-fashioned technology of iTunes, DVRs and text messaging. That remembering listening to pirate songs or watching Scooby Doo on demand will bring them back to the feeling where the world was simpler, things were easier, and they had fewer cares. That’s part of my job as a mom, to let them have a simple childhood that they can look back on and remember that feeling of being completely provided for and loved.

June 23, 2007

It Was Just a Parking Problem

I'm relieved. Not only was the Certified Letter not terrible, horrible, awful news - it was also my husband's fault.

On Tuesday, Dave caught his bus at a different Park-N-Ride and apparently parked illegally. The lot was full, so he joined the line of cars who were parked "creatively" at the edge of the lot. The Certified Letter informed us that if he does it again, his car will be towed.

So, not only do we get to keep the house and cancel the lawyer, but I also have something new to tease my husband about. The same husband who got a warning from the city on Friday for the way he had parked his truck around the corner of our house, and who also got a warning from the city last year because he had failed to prune the trees I'd been bugging him about.

The irony is, I'm the crappy car-parker. He just gets caught.

June 21, 2007

Certifiable

I got back from the end-of-the-year picnic at Henry's school and found a note from the post office informing me they had a Certified Letter for me that they couldn't deliver because I was not home to sign for it.

I freaked out.

In my little, crazy, try-not-to-bother-too-many-people world, Certified Letter = B-A-D. I think it is the official way to send Bad News -its own little post-office category cleverly disguised with the word "certified". I am not a pessimistic person, so I know with my latest bad mood and all perhaps I took this the wrong way. Yet I can't really see how this could mean anything else. I don't think people use certified mail to say "Dear Leah, I think you're awesome. Also, here's a million dollars!" I mean, not usually.

My mind is racing: Who is suing us? How will we cope? We can't afford a lawyer. Who could be so angry with us as to send us Certified Bad News? Do we have some bill we aren't aware of and now they're going to take away our house because we didn't pay it?

This does not help me dealing with my Issues. One of the big things I've had to deal with as an adult is the repercussions of a highly unpredictable childhood. I would think things were going well and then BAM! the bottom would fall out, and for reasons I couldn't entirely fathom I'd be in horrible trouble, complete with yelling and shaming and grounding and oh-my-gosh-how-on-earth-could-you-be-so-stupid-I-can't-believe-I-have-to-
put-up-with-you-ing (which wasn't always communicated in words, per se, but in raised eyebrows, curled lips, spankings, and physical and emotional distance). As a result, I have gone through life constantly looking over my shoulder, worrying about any possible little thing, any tiny loose thread I could have left hanging, any potential way in which I have let someone down, angered them, or Crossed The Line. (Where is The Line? Hell if I know - it never seems to stay put).

I'm feeling the same sort of panic with this letter. I have pushed through, made great strides in counseling (I no longer have a panic attack when someone honks at me in traffic, feeling oh-so-sure they are going to hunt me down and run me off the road or call the police or maybe just scold me very sternly and use their eyebrows and curled lips to tell me what an absolute loser I am and who-allowed-me-to-get-a-driver's-license-anyway, for example), but it is SO MUCH WORK. I'm exhausted. And panicked. And I won't know anything until tomorrow.



Envelope of Doom
It cost $5.21 to send it!


Update 2pm: We googled the sender zip code, and it is from Seattle, somewhere between the International District and Pioneer Square. Unfortunately, this zip code also contains the King County courts and about a bazilion law offices.

Update 6/23 (Fri): I called the post office because they did NOT attempt to redeliver the letter today (Dave was home all day working, so we'd know). The lady seemed quite offended that I had not memorized the Post Office Regulation Manual where it mentions that Certified mail is NOT automatically redelivered ever, only Express Mail is, sheesh! And because our postal carrier failed to checkmark ANY boxes on the slip (the slip with the bold headline "We Re-Deliver for You!"), we were unable to ascertain this information.
She WAS able to tell me the sender: Sound Transit. Whew. At least I know the public transportation system doesn't have the authority to take away my house. Right? Please tell me I'm right.
I can't pick up the letter until tomorrow, now.

Final Update: My husband got a little creative in his interpretation of "parking space" at the Park-N-Ride. If he does it again, they'll tow him.

June 20, 2007

Not in the Pink

Things have not been so rosy here at my pink toes. I tried to deny it, but have finally come to terms with the fact that I am in the midst of another depression.

I'm dealing with a lot of the reality of my chronic pain and fatigue issues. This is very good for me (and my family, and my friends, and anyone who has to come into contact with me, really) in the long run, but very very emotionally devastating in the short run. The reality is, I can't even take care of my kids and my home without help. I have childcare 1 1/2 to 2 days a week, and I still struggle with having enough energy to take care of my family, especially my emotionally-needy oldest child. Lots and lots of things fall through the cracks. Oh, and summer vacation is coming up, which hypes my anxiety level. I need more-than-average energy just to manage Henry and his emotions when he's home full-time. AND I feel like I need to be able to do Special Things with them in the summer - because I am HOME, after all. I do love taking off to the Aquarium (or beach, or zoo...) for the day, but I am WIPED OUT when I return. I can't manage during the school year - how am I going to cope with a summer?

I'm also dealing with some long, deep-seated 'family of origin' issues (how's that for psychology fancy-talk!). This deep dealing-with-issues stuff is what I've gone to therapy for, and it's what I have to do to come out on the other side and bypass the tap-dance routine my brain does to distract me from this hard, painful work. But, in the meantime, it sucks. No really, it sucks.

And the Lap-Band Journey is following an different path than I anticipated. I'm not alone and have heard lots of encouragement, but I really expected that - after going through SURGERY and all - I might actually, possibly feel just a tiny bit like I actually HAVE a Lap-Band and not just random scarring and lies. You can probably tell I'm feeling a bit hostile and bitter. I was really hoping my Band and weight loss journey would be a source of inspiration and excitement for me right now, which makes it all the more frustrating when I'm experiencing the exact opposite.

Lastly, I'm tired of our financial realities. My husband makes about a bazillion dollars, but it doesn't go far enough. Why? WHY? Well, the mortgage in this crazy-high-priced real estate area is one reason. $2400 a month is quite a dent. The all-day Kindergarten supplement of $245 doesn't help either. The other reason is harder for me to face: we're broke because I'm CRAZY. My therapy bill is about $1000 a month. Gulp. I go to my therapist twice a week, and one of those is an extended session. The therapy has been vital to me - it has changed everything in my life in an amazing way. My husband is so glad to have me go and doesn't resent the money. But I'M starting to resent it. We're broke. I'm out of grocery money until Friday (we had mac and cheese for dinner tonight). I hate hate hate living this way.

I feel like I'm such a financial drain: I cost a ton of money, and I - quite frankly - can't bring in any. My chronic pain issues are very real and very debilitating. I couldn't work for a paycheck if I wanted to. (Unless someone wants to pay me to blog and learn cool CSS tricks). I could barely work part-time (80%) BEFORE I had children. There is no way I could manage our household and work now. Oh, and my medical bills are also substantial. Thankfully (yes, thankfully!) we have really good medical insurance. So I only have co-pays. But 3-7 doctor co-pays a month at $15 a pop (yes, I frequently have to go to various doctors THAT often) plus all the co-pays on my prescriptions (5-6 of them at $5-$15 each) add up. The sobering truth is that we didn't used to have a life insurance policy on me because, even if we account for additional child-care costs, Dave would actually SAVE money if something happened to me. This does not do wonders for my self-esteem.

So, I'm a crazy, fat, stay-at-home mom whose pain is so great she can't actually manage to take care of her children and clean her house (ohmygosh, don't even mention the yard) on a full-time basis.

June 19, 2007

Framing the Pitch(er)


June 18, 2007

More MT Geeky Goodness

I've been tweaking the blog some more. I'm loving learning more about CSS and Movable Type.

Using the awesome resources of a rockin' website, I moved my "About" page to its own template within my blog - without having to make it an entry (and added more hyperlinks to it). Very, very cool! I may do the same with my new "Toes" page, which I had to backdate to "hide" on the blog.

I also learned how to make the entry titles click to the permalink (individual entry page). Go ahead - try it! Click on the "More MT Geeky Goodness" title up above. Cool, eh?

The same website also gave me the code I needed to add a "Recent Comments" section on my sidebar (scroll down and check it out).

I can't get the clickable banner to work yet. It's driving me crazy. But I really should spend more time writing and less time geeking. It's amazing the lengths I'll go to - it's like that college "study avoidance" all over again. (When my husband was getting his master's degree, our kitchen was always sparkling. He's NOT a kitchen-cleaner, but he'd clean it from top to bottom to avoid doing his homework. We all do crazy things when we're avoiding what we want to do, but don't want to start).

Update: I got the clickable banner to work! Yay - click my banner on the top and it takes you to my home page! Whee! Duh - I had to change "www.yourblog.com/path/to/your/banner/image.jpg" with the ACTUAL URL OF THE IMAGE ON MY SITE. I can be dumb sometimes. I probably definitely should sleep more and geek less.

But I also need to fix the width of my banner...it's about 20 pixels too narrow....

STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER, LEAH!

June 13, 2007

Simple Pleasures

My neighbors put in a pink dogwood tree, right under our master bedroom window. I am thrilled! They are the best gardeners/landscapers in the world (we are the worst), so I know their tree will flourish.

If anyone had happened to ask me what tree to plant, that would have been it. What a sweet little gift - now I'll get to enjoy my favorite tree every day, without any work on my part. Thanks, neighbors!

Homemade Ice Cream

We've been having fun here making homemade ice cream. It's so fun, and the kids love it (and so do we, and our friends!). Unfortunately, it's not very conducive to weight loss, so this needs to be our last ice cream extravaganza for a while.

I'll post some recipes in another day or so, along with more info. For now, enjoy the slide show!

June 12, 2007

I am a Maven

Our book group recently read The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell. Although I'm not really a business-minded person, I found it interesting from a sociological perspective. But the point of this post is not really the book, but one of Gladwell's concepts.

In the beginning, Gladwell introduces the key players of Connectors, Mavens, and Salesmen. As we each read the book, we thought about who in our group fit into which category. The group (which happens to contain my 3 very bestest friends) was unanimous in calling me a Maven.

Gladwell describes a Maven as someone who researches everything. They know how things work, how to get the best deal, and why things are the way they are. Mavens feel compelled to share their knowledge out of the goodness of their heart, and out of the true desire to help people. (I had to emphasize that because it felt good to hear it explained that way - I always worried that I was coming across as a know-it-all. I don't correct people (because it's not polite) and I don't try to spout knowledge just to make myself look smart. I really don't. I just. feel. compelled. to. share. information. It's a sickness. But at least now I know it's perhaps a valuable sickness, and not entirely annoying).

I've always had a head for what I call "useless trivia" - I don't know enough about any one area to be an expert, but if you're researching something, or playing Trivial Pursuit, you want me on your team. When "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" was in its Philbin-powered heyday, my friends always said I'd be the one they'd call for their "Phone-a-Friend Lifeline".

So now I have a fun nickname, and it's actually nice to have a name for my annoying sickness. Now, instead of spouting random, well-researched trivia and wondering what everyone is thinking about me, I can just preface it by saying, "Because I am a Maven..."

So now I have an excuse for a new category on my blog and an outlet for all these bits of information that I find fascinating and am compelled to research.

Aren't you excited?

June 09, 2007

You Know It's Bad When I Don't Even Have the Energy to Drag Myself Down for a Pedicure

Another flare-up. I am in the midst of deep processing about how much this chronic pain affects my life. For years, I would just push on through and catch up on the weekends by sleeping constantly. I convinced myself I had no life because I was a teacher, and teachers' work never ends (poor me). I would snap at my husband, screaming under the weight of everything I had to do.

The reality was that I was pushing my body to the limit and beyond each and every day. Instead of feeling these limitations, embracing them, and learning from them, I continued to destroy my body and relationships by living in denial and lashing out at myself and those closest to me.

I am now listening to my body more. I enjoy my life, my friends, and my children so much more when I get the rest I need. I just don't like acknowledging how much rest that really is. It's immense. I am grieving so much loss of perceived ability. I am grieving many things. But I know that this is the way through this mess and the way to true healing and true relationships.

I have to accept and embrace my limitations.
I am slowly, slowly learning how.

June 08, 2007

Email Slacker

I just realized I have exactly 100 messages "tagged for follow up". Sometimes, I suck.

You know why that statistic is particularly disturbing? I'm way better at email than I am at returning phone messages.

If only I could send telepathic messages so people would know how much I am thinking about them and loving on them, even though I don't pick up the phone, pen, or mouse.

I guess that's called prayer. I'll do what I can and pray for God to do the rest.

June 07, 2007

Behold the Jitterbug


I made Jen Zug's signature cocktail last night: the Jitterbug. So, so good! I had to take a picture of the lovely frothy crema-y goodness.

I'll also add this photo to my recipe page. Cheers!

June 06, 2007

I Rock the CSS - Custom Blockquotes!

I did more CSS nerding tonight! Yes, instead of mopping the kitchen floor or folding the laundry, I learned how to make my own custom "blockquote" style!

Thanks to some cool inspiration, I made my OWN quote image blockquote wide right smaller pink.pngand then figured out how to put it in my CSS as a style.

Up next: pullquotes! (That will be harder, as I'll have to write a Movable Type custom tag for it).


Sticky floors, no clean underwear....but a cool page!

June 04, 2007

House of BBQ and Margaritas

The Zugs of the famous House of BBQ had our whole family over for dinner last night. Jenny and her family were there too, along with a host of other lovely folks. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves!

The House of BBQ moniker is well-deserved! We feasted on JItterbugs, margaritas, salmon, chicken, grilled veggies, margaritas, great salads, s'mores and margaritas. Holy cow, the margaritas! We rubbed shoulders and had conversations with all kinds of lovely folk. The kids ran free (and played the Wii) and it was so warm and welcoming. It was a wonderful, relaxed time. (Unfortunately, I forgot my camera...I remembered the extra batteries for it, but not the actual camera...sigh. I really NEEDED a photo of Jenny's awesome sunglasses!)

I've been thinking about the evening a lot and about what made it great: The Zugs are welcoming, relaxed hosts. Their house was lived-in, and everyone pitched in to get the work done. I tend to be less relaxed as a host and feel that I have to have everything planned ahead of time. Jen's rhythm was much more natural and as a result, I easily fell into it, became a part of it. I don't think about my preparation making things less comfortable for folks, but it really can. At the Zugs, I felt like family. I reveled in the community they have helped create.

Did I mention the margaritas? Here's the impromptu recipe we concocted in Jen's slightly small (Amen!) but fabulously cozy kitchen:

Easy Margarita Pitchers

1 can limeade concentrate
2 cans water
1 can tequila
1/2 can triple sec
lots of ice

Stir in a big pitcher, add the ice, and try not to drink too many. For best results, drink in the Zug kitchen while bumping shoulders, having 5 conversations at once, laughing at the children, and experiencing the wonder of human relationships.

This makes for a bit of a strong libation...you could cut down the hooch or up the water if you wanted to.