Henry (while jumping around on my bed): Hey Mom, what kind of bed is this again? Is this a King bed? Or is it a Queen bed?
Me: It’s a King bed.
Henry: And what kind of bed do I have again? It’s a Prince, right?
Archive for July, 2007
There’s No Pea Under the Mattress, That’s for Sure
Sunday, July 29th, 2007In So Many Ways, I am Not Enough
Tuesday, July 24th, 2007
wonder woman
Alas, I am so very
very far from her greatness.
I do have cool Grandma
undies like she does, though!
I’ve been trying to find time to write. Time has been very precious here – birthday week was last week and I spent most of the week getting ready for celebrations.
I gave up “my” time on Friday to make a birthday cake for my beloved now-7 year old. He requested a Lego cake, and I wanted to oblige. My creation won’t win any awards, but I’m quite proud of it. He was thrilled, even though he doesn’t eat frosting! (I made him some extra cupcakes without frosting).
Saturday and Sunday were full to the brim with celebrations, and unfortunately, with pain. So much pain, that I was unable to read the much-anticipated Harry Potter*. I was able to sleep 5 hours on Sunday afternoon, but I was so too far gone by then to stave off the inevitable raging flare.
I’ve been in so much pain this last week, and it continues today. I had to take 3 Vic0din just to make it through the day yesterday. I’ve had 2 already today, and will need another to make it through the evening of Lego shopping I have promised Henry. My entire body is inflamed, and I have a low-grade fever. Everything hurts. Everything. I’m exhausted and completely on edge emotionally and physically.
The fibromyalgia is becoming a bigger deal in my life. Not just because it seems to be getting worse, although that may be contributing to it. But mostly because I am learning (slowly, badly) to take care of myself. I have lived in denial for a long time, and it has caught up to me. One of the reasons I held so tightly to the denial is fear: primarily fear that people only like me for what I can do – that I have to be SuperLeah for anyone to like me, even a little bit. I have to be a great hostess, help everyone out, befriend everyone, throw great parties, send the most thoughtful thank-you notes, have the most positive attitude, exude confidence, be the most secure in my faith, be the most amazing mother and the most self-less wife, etc. It’s been very hard to let go of this fear and free-fall through unfamiliar air, hoping I’ll land okay – bumped and bruised, but hopefully intact.
It’s been hard. I know I’ve frustrated quite a few people. I frustrate myself. It’s so hard not to try grab back hold of the SuperLeah idea, but my cape is torn beyond recognition and my superpowers are now completely depleted. I have to hold on to what I have and pray that it’s going to be enough. I am very blessed. I have a great church, small group, husband, therapist and some key friends. I also know that I have been putting stress on the husband and key friends’ relationships. I have worried about the fallout. I continue to worry. I’ve had lots of reassurance along with a few emotional blows.
Yesterday I met up with a group of women that I had not seen in a long time. These playgroup moms were very important to me during Henry’s first four years. They also knew me when I was still in denial. One of them, in particular, had every right to be angry with me. We had kept in touch for quite a while, through her back surgery and other issues, but I had not been in contact for almost 10 months, during which her father died and her husband had a heart attack. I had thought about her a lot, but did I call? No. Did I email? Yes, but only once or twice. Did I send a card? Only at Christmas. Was I a lame friend? Absolutely. I begged her forgiveness, and she acknowledged her anger at me. But she also showed me incredible grace. I know I injured her, but I also know she chose to forgive.
I finally got time to write today (after waiting an hour for a blood test) and opened my laptop to a terse email from a different friend about how I have let her down for the last time and she may never talk with me again. I worried that my letting go and surrendering to the freefall would lead to situations like this. I worried that taking care of myself would cost me relationships. I have lost my first friend due to my inadequacies. I’m pretty sure she won’t be the last. It terrifies me, but I fear it’s the truth.
I know I am not doing this well. I am learning, and am learning badly. I try to take care of myself and help other people at the same time, and it rarely works out. I am still learning balance, but sometimes I leave others in the lurch. Some forgive me and show grace, teaching me how to hope and love and do this better. Some do not. I need to learn from both situations.
I am doing this badly, but I don’t know how else to do it.
I have chosen to take care of myself and put my myself and my family first. This is incredibly stressful on many levels. Many people don’t understand. Someone quite close to me thinks that having children is the most selfish thing one can do. In my case, I do struggle with that. I can’t even manage to raise my children without help. What made me think I could do this? I am a huge drain on everyone around me. I worry that I am not enough – that everyone thinks I am not worth the effort and would be better off without me. What could I possibly have to offer?
And my faith is taking a beating. I’m trying to turn to God for refuge in this time of stress, but I’m worrying that He doesn’t think I’m Enough either. What could I possibly have to offer God at this moment? I can’t fathom. I can’t see what I have to offer to anyone.
I’m just plugging along, one foot slowly in front of the other – hoping, dreaming, wishing and praying for the fog to lift, for things to make more sense, for me to feel loved and at peace. I know that eventually, things will work out better. The dust will settle enough for me to get used to my new surroundings. The freefall will end and I’ll be able to discover who I am and what my value is. Faith, hope, and dogged determination is all I have. Looking into my children’s eyes, I know it will be worth it. Eventually.
*And yes, I did finally manage to read the last (sniff) Harry Potter – I finished it last night. I had to re-read huge sections of it as I went along, realizing that the narcotics had blurred important parts – the benefit was that it made it last longer. And I’ll bet I’ll pick up even more upon the inevitable re-readings. Yes, I thought it ended well – and more importantly – correctly. Does reading this make me selfish? Probably. But I’m in too much pain and am too exhausted to process that right now. If only St. Mungo’s could mend me…
Fashion-forward? or Goth-wannabe?
Tuesday, July 24th, 2007
At first, I thought dark nail polish looked weird. Now it has totally grown on me. I decided I HAD to have dark plum on my toes (no, it’s not actually black). Some people have suggested I’m trying to go Goth here in my 30s.
It’s on my fingernails, too. I feel cool and trendy, but I wonder what YOUR opinion is!
Opine away!
My Lego Boy is 7
Tuesday, July 24th, 2007
Henry turned 7 on Saturday. Wow, the time flies. Peter turns 3 in a couple of weeks, so we celebrated them both at the same time.
Henry wanted a Lego cake. I was pretty excited with how it came out (although I put so much red paste food coloring in the icing it was hardly edible! )
PredicaMINT
Thursday, July 19th, 2007
I have mint growing rampant in my backyard – it seems a shame to waste it. You KNOW I’d love to polish it off by making (and downing) a few pitchers of mojitos*, but I’m being a good little girl and laying off the calorie-laden cocktails. (A sacrifice that’s good for the budget and the scales.)
It’s also a great time for fresh fruit. I think I’ve spent 50% of our budget the last 2 weeks on fresh fruit. Cherries, watermelon, strawberries, raspberries by the flat, blueberries by the bucket… Another month and I’ll be swimming in fresh blackberries – I can’t wait!
So Monday night, I came up with a great, simple “salad
Juicy Meat
Tuesday, July 17th, 2007
Some of you are under the impression that I can cook. I was too, until I started eating at my friend Giseli’s house. Then I realized that I can no more cook than drive a space shuttle or loom my own cotton. This woman is amazing. She makes chicken taste like ambrosia dipped in gold, kissed by angels, and served by gorgeous Englishmen. If you were told you had to give up chocolate forever to eat at her enchanted table, you would quickly say “chocolate – who cares?
100 Words Every High School Graduate Should Know…Well OK, only 25 of them
Wednesday, July 11th, 2007I’m not much of a meme-r, but I love Defective Yeti, I love words, and I’m a maven. Therefore, there was no way I could resist taking this quiz and posting my results. I encourage you to try it too. If you do, leave a comment with a link to your blog. (Jen the Knitting Queen, I’m looking at YOU!)
The editors of the American Heritage dictionary recently compiled a list of “100 words they recommend every high school graduate should know.”
I always like to check out lists like this, and see how many of the entries I am already familiar with. The answer is, invariably, “nearly all of them.” Not because I have a stellar vocabulary, but because I cheat.
Not on purpose, of course. But, when performing this exercise, I’m always struck with “well that’s what I meant” syndrome. You know how it goes. You see the word, you say to yourself “that means X,” you check the definition, and when it turns out that it actually meant Y, you say, “ah, well, that’s I meant. And, jeeze, X and Y are practically the same thing … so, I’m going to give myself this one.” By the time I’m done, I have magnanimously “given” myself all of them, and have no idea how many I actually knew before I started.
So this time I tried something new: I wrote down my definitions first, and then compared them to the actual definitions afterwards. (and then he wrote a cool utility so we could do it, too)
from Defective Yeti
I also usually give myself more points than I deserve by saying “sure, that’s it”. It was fun to have the quiz keep me honest. I find it is so interesting how contextual my knowledge is. I have learned most of my vocabulary through reading, where I can get the “gist” of a word without understanding it completely. Or, apparently, with gathering the opposite meaning. The acquisition of language is fascinating to me.
Here is the overview of my results:
I knew the words in green; I did not know the words in red. In total, I knew 20 of 25.
Details of my results are after the jump…
Off the Grid
Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
Some days I feel like a writer – where every experience seems to come fully realized with words ripe for the picking, falling into my hand like sunkissed raspberries.
Other days I wonder what the heck I am doing here. Why did I think I could do this? I have no insight, no knack for description, no poignant pen for truth-telling.
I’ve been reading. Sometimes I need to replenish myself with other people’s words. I need to retreat to my love of writing and books. Somehow, that’s not feeling like enough right now. But it has been helpful to drink in the carefully crafted sentences and plotlines of some masters of the craft.
Nothing feels quite right. Environmentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally… I know it will sort out and sift into the right drawers, compartmented and keepsaked in the silverware drawer of my mind.
At least I have learned one thing: to be patient. I will wait upon myself and wait upon the Lord. In his timing, things will be more clear.
Look What’s Coming!
Friday, July 6th, 2007
from Essential Espresso
I brought Lazarus IV up to my parents’ beach house for the week, so that I could make espresso for all without indulging in the time-consuming and expensive habit of driving into town for my daily jolt.
After my dad’s second doppio (with some awesome crema), he struck up a conversation with me about my machine. I told him that I was on my 4th one (thanks, Shona!) and was saving for my dream machine. I also added a lot of blah-blah-brass-boiler-and-grouphead-and-holding-the-steam-pressure-and-
Italian-construction-blah-blah (he reads Tom Clancy, so I figured he liked ODing on technical details). He asked how much I had saved, and I told him I had $220 banked toward this dreamy purchase (including $125 I earned doing market research with HOMEWORK). He then wrote me a check for the balance of what I needed and encouraged me to go order it. Um, OK. Thanks, Dad!
The price had gone up $65 just in the two months I’ve been saving, but since the old price was still on one place on their website, the gracious folks at Essential Espresso gave it to me for $840.
That was a totally unexpected bonus (it reminded me a bit of the time I saved $40 toward a $100 boom box in junior high that Dad paid the balance of). I’m eager to get my new machine! Here’s to some espresso bellisimo!
Love, Chronic Pain, and Toothpaste
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007I wrote another essay for my church’s eNewsletter. You may recognize some bits and pieces of it from two previous posts. As always, what I ended up writing is not necessarily what I sat down to write. That is the amazing thing about the writing process. I truly feel the Spirit working through me. I am blessed and honored to have a venue in which to share this writing. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 3:34-35 NIV)
Love, Chronic Pain, and Toothpaste
I have fibromyalgia. This is a fancy-schmancy medical-ese way of saying that on any given day, I hurt all over. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but every day I’m in some sort of pain. It is mainly concentrated around my hips, but spreads throughout my entire body and is frequently accompanied by overwhelming fatigue. One current theory is that although FM is not necessarily caused by a traumatic injury or motor vehicle accident, such events can bring out FM. I was in a serious car accident in 1991. The lap belt saved my life, but did lifelong tissue damage and since then I have been in pain every day.
I am in the midst of deep processing about how much this chronic pain affects my life. For years, I would just push on through and catch up on the weekends by sleeping constantly. I convinced myself I had no life because I was a teacher, and teachers’ work never ends (poor me). I told myself I was overwhelmed because starting up a new church was Hard Work, and I had to do so much to make myself feel valuable. I would snap at my husband, screaming under the weight of everything I had to do.
The reality was that I was pushing my body to the limit and beyond each and every day. Instead of feeling these limitations, embracing them, and learning from them, I continued to destroy my body and relationships by living in denial and lashing out at myself and those closest to me. I was screaming under the weight of trying to appear perfect and therefore prove there was nothing wrong with me (or with my faith).
Somehow I bought into the idea that I had to appear to have it all together in order to show (prove?) my faith. I thought the only way I had value to anyone was to be perfect.
But Jesus doesn’t say “You’ll show everyone how great I am by how great and put-together YOU are.