my pink toes

Ok, so not her actual bra, but one that was deemed favorite enough to be given out in a frenzy at one of her shows. It was picked out for me when I finally went for a bra fitting today. I’ve lost enough weight (40ish pounds) that the girls were looking a bit lost in my old bras. The final straw was when Dave asked me why my sweater had a funny crease in it and we determined it had nothing to do with the sweater – it was the crease made by extra folded fabric in my cup due to boob-deflation.

Whenever I go bra shopping, I am reminded why I never go bra shopping. And reminded why, when I do go, that I need to be fitted. I could not pick the right bra off the rack if getting it right would stop a nuclear countdown and save the world from annihilation. A tender slip of a legally-blonde salesgirl measured me (big points for not looking disgusted or backing off from “catching” my overweight-ness), announced “42D” with certainty, and disappeared to get a “test fit” bra. It fit perfectly, but of course is just for “test fitting”. She left me in the sample bra and disappeared (and I do mean disappeared) back on to the sales floor to find bras for me to try on.

While she was gone (a good 10 minutes!), I contemplated boob issues:

• Why are my areolas so massive? They used to be tiny and demure – not bringing attention to themselves. They don’t gain weight along with the rest of my body, so why have they gotten bigger? Is it the breastfeeding? Theory has it that’s what they’re good for in the first place: guiding the nearly-blind starving infants to the fountain of goodness (or 'trickle of goodness' in my case). But why is this “hey – eat here!” sign not designed to fade after weaning? I don’t need to advertise to the WORLD where the center of my boobs are. The only people who needed the road map are old enough to get the milk out of the refrigerator themselves.
• My left breast is bigger than my right. So, do you buy a bra to fit the bigger one, or the smaller one? Does it matter?
• Why do bras cost so much? It’s like swimsuits – the smaller the amount of material, the higher the cost. Bizarre. $60 a bra? Wow.
• Where on earth did the saleslady go? Is my size freakish? It would figure.
• I really should plan ahead and wear a white T-shirt to my next fitting.
• I hope that next fitting is a looooong time from now.
• For how big my hips (and ass) are, my boobs are tiny. I’m sure I couldn’t fit in Oprah’s actual bra if I wanted to, but I could give her ass a run for its money.
• No really, how long does grabbing a couple of bras take?
• How did they manage to do actual bra fittings for an Oprah audience? Think about the logistics of that for just a minute - did they have hoardes of fit specialists? Boxes upon boxes of sizes? I mean, if the whole point of the episode (as the saleslady told me) was to spread the word that most women are wearing the wrong-size bra, and encourage them to get fitted, you couldn't exactly just fling random bras as the audience members, could you?
• I am very long-waisted, so if I have too much “lift” in my rack, I look freakish. It’s like I have two wayward shoulder pads that migrated just under my collar bone and then nothing for a loooooong way down until my curvy hips burst on to the scene. This makes me harder to fit that in should be. And provides for some comical dressing room moments. (Thankfully the saleslady had a good sense of humor).

I'm glad to have new bras. Most of all, I'm glad to be done with this horrific chore for now.