my pink toes

Here we are at Legoland!

We had about as much fun as can be expected on a vacation with three children and most of your extended family in a climate that is supposed to be sunny and warm but was not. Ha. Actually, we had a great time. Legoland and SeaWorld are exactly perfect for our kids' ages and interests, Peter enjoyed his first plane ride, and all the cousins had a blast being with each other AND Grandma and Grandpa IN CALIFORNIA! All of the adults loved being around the kids' excitement, and we like hanging out with each other, too. Dave and I went the whole week "unplugged" and it was exactly what we both needed. He's been working crazy hours with huge stress, and I've been bogged down by the thousand little things of a stay-at-home-mom-of-small-kids who is trying to start a freelance career, go on a spiritual journey, lose a huge chunk of weight, manage a chronic illness, figure out some other significant heath issues, and keep up a teaching certificate.

It was what we needed as a family, too. We've been so busy that Dave and I have mostly been tag-team parenting, keeping each other afloat with enough time to accomplish our individual mountains of work. It was good to spend time together as all four of us, hanging out, having fun, and just being a family.

But oh, the crush of reality upon returning from a vacation! Dave's work project exploded spectacularly while we were offline, and he's spending his other few remaining waking hours on stabilizing, rebuilding, moving, backing-up and "optimizing" our church's Exchange server. I have a huge backlog of stuff I need and want to do, like: replying to the awesome comments y'all have been leaving; writing up, reflecting on, and posting more about my Lenten Journey; wading through the piles of undone stuff that has built up over this last 6 weeks of being sick; spending time praying for and preparing for my wonderful Lambie Pie bible study ladies; making myself rest enough to prevent a post-vacation fibromyalgia flare; continuing in my Sisyphean effort to get my insurance to pay for some really huge claims; and yet another Chinese assignment. Oh, and a Chinese Mid-Term. Which I must go take. NOW.

Filed Under "Everything Else" on February 26, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

cue: New Soul by Yael Naïm

At the mall, walking by the Apple store, spying a new MacBook Air in the window.

Me: Hey Henry, look at that! You see that?
7-year-old Henry: What? The computer?
Me: Yeah! Isn't that amazing?
Henry: It looks just like yours
Me: Huh? No, I mean - it's a laptop, yes, but - it's so thin! It's as thin as a peechee!
Henry: What's a peechee?
Me: Um, I guess you guys call them folders now. It's the size of your reading folder.
Henry: Okay. It's a computer, Mom.
Me: No! Um, do you know how big computers were when they were first invented? They were -
Henry: I know, I know. rolls eyes. They were the size of our house. And really really expensive. You've told me already. exasperated, teenage-like sigh
Me: Yes! That's why this one is so amazing.
Henry: So, is that the one you want?
Me: Yes, but... I mean no, not really, but... I mean, it's just so cool! It's so tiny!
Henry: long pause. Can we go now?

Back in my day...
And yes, I bought the song. I am such a Tool.

Filed Under "Henry, Shiny Things" on February 14, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (8) | TrackBacks (0)

First, walk in late.
Second, be just under 6 feet tall. And fat.
Third, proudly wear an "Obama '08" button because you are high on the adrenaline from the caucus and feel like it's important to be integrated in your whole life. Think, misguidedly, that wearing the button is a step toward this kind of integration.
Fourth, listen to a main point in the sermon about how people are feeling alienated by some others because of strong political views. Hear about how it is important not to shove things in other's faces, but to bring all things up in relationship. Agree wholeheartedly with the message that being a Jesus-follower has a definite impact on your whole life - including your responsibility to participate in the political process. Feel like a total schmuck because not only are you late, fat, and tall, you have a fricking political button on your vest.
Fifth, try not to be distracted the rest of the sermon by trying to decide whether or not to remove said fricking button. Deliberate in your head what the point was of wearing the button to church anyway. Wish your button said "Vote" instead of "Obama". Decide that would have been a much better way to integrate faith and politics without being a case-in-point for the sermon.
Sixth, decide to not take off the button, dammit. Because you don't want it to be obvious that you are taking it off JUST BECAUSE OF THE SERMON THAT IS DIRECTED AT YOU YOU YOU and you can be a stubborn bitch. Also, you were late and therefore in a seat that no one else wanted so taking the button off would be really obvious. See also "fat" and "tall" above.
Seventh, realize that you have to go up and take communion with the fricking button on. So not only are you exposed to the half of the church that could scrutinize you in the crappy seat, now you get to expose yourself to the ENTIRE CHURCH.
Eighth, slip button off after church while crowd dissapates and you have a conversation with someone you actually know and haven't seen in a long time (which provides enough of a distraction that you don't feel like a TOTAL tool taking off your button).
Ninth, be introduced to the pastor. You are now, thankfully, without the fricking button, but are sure that it is marked on you somehow. Be convinced that the pastor saw you and directed some of his sermon remarks directly at you. Become convinced that the pastor can see directly into your soul, exposing you as a fluffy-faithed, pedicured suburbanite.
Tenth, say stupid things to the pastor, like "being on a spiritual journey" and "working through some stuff with my faith", which leave no doubt that you are a loser and poseur. Wish for the ground to swallow you whole. Realize that you started this potential church relationship off on the absolute worst foot possible.
Eleventh, come back to your blog and brood and cry. Realize that this journey you're on is a bigger deal to you than you thought. Acknowledge that despite all the work you've done, you still have a few issues to deal with. Plead to Jesus for some relief to the anxiety and for comfort and challenge in the next steps.

Filed Under "My Lenten Journey" on February 13, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

I am sick. Again. Don't worry, this post won't really be about that...but it's the being sick and really needing to rest (trying to be responsible and avoid another FM flare) that led me to blog surfing today.

So I was doing some surfing, starting with my Bloglines and then heading into other blogs as part of my Lenten theological quest, and as 'way leads onto way', I found a blog of someone I know. Not closely, but I definitely know who this person is and at one time we spent a fair amount of time together. Not as friends, but this person definitely knows who I am.

And because I am a crazy stalker voracious and curious reader, I read this person's entire blog. Three years of archives. I enjoy doing that sometimes, but it's almost always a perfect stranger. Afterward, I'll usually leave a comment to say "hey - found your blog, read all your archives, thanks for posting, I'll be around." And I leave my blog address.

This time, I didn't. I thought I was coming here asking what I should do, but the reality is that I know what I should do. I should leave the comment and link like always. What is keeping me from this? I thought at first that it was because I don't want this person to feel self-conscious blogging. Then I thought it's because I might be seeing this person a fair amount in the future and AWKWARD (for both of us - especially for the blogger, knowing I've read about 3 years of their life)! But is it because I'm protecting this person? Or is it maybe because I'm protecting myself? Is it me who fears the awkwardness of this other person reading my blog?

I'm feeling vulnerable right now. Feeling like I need to step out into a new realm in a couple areas of my life. This leaves me feeling foolish and stupid. I'm comfortable (in some ways) with where I'm at right now. I took a step out of my comfort zone this weekend and I felt awkward, gangly. I felt out of place and so very very out of my league. If I continue this journey, I will inevitably run into this other blogger. I think I'm mostly afraid of being exposed as a fraud, as a poseur. Of letting myself be open to scrutiny. Fear of people finding this blog and dismissing me as a fluffy-faithed, pedicured suburbanite. Of people thinking my writing isn't worth the pixels used to form the words.

I know what I need to do: Take a deep breath. Take the plunge. Leave the comment (and the link). Let myself feel and wrestle with the anxiety and fear and self-doubt. Look to Jesus as he guides me on these terrifying next steps in my journey of life.

And hey - this may be the first entry that "mystery blogger" sees. Um, crap? Uh, hi?!

Filed Under "Writing" on February 11, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Lent is typically characterized (in Western tradition, at least) by giving something up for the season. Many give up chocolate or desserts, or TV. But I know that giving up desserts just puts me in the frame of a diet, and “dieting for Jesus" is not exactly what Lent is about. The idea is to do something that makes us focus more on God, on Jesus, on God’s amazing love for us - culminating in Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross (celebrated at Easter). Giving up desserts makes me focus on the scale, on other self-centered things. I need something that would have me focus on God instead.

As God is the creator of Time, it makes sense that the timing of Lent coincides with a time of great spiritual searching on my part. I have been praying about what to do in quite a few areas of my life, and I feel God calling me to do a Lenten Journey – in this case: a quest for a theology.

I’ve been struggling with some spiritual issues lately, and with the ideas of church and faith and religion and Jesus and compassion and responsibility and love and sin. The linchpin issue lately seems to be the one of women’s place in the Church (big C, and small c).

There are a few large, popular churches in the area that are doing many things I admire: like reaching out to people in the culture where they live and move and have their being (as opposed to making them fit into a Boomer- or Greatest Generation- framed church culture). Unfortunately, the two I have experience with have very clear theological positions preventing women from being in church leadership. This has led to me making a few unkind and snotty comments about one church in particular, greatly offending a friend of mine. I apologized to my friend and spent some time thinking about my sharp tongue that got me into trouble (again). This led me to thinking about what my actual issue is: is it really with that church, or that very out-spoken pastor? Somewhat - but my real, deeper issue is with Reformed Theology. (Defining what Reformed Theology is, is part of my journey, and will be the subject of another post – or more).

I have some significant personal experience with church and church culture coming from a Reformed Theology viewpoint and, specifically, with the view of not having women in any position of “authority” (a hot-button word, if I’ve ever heard one…) over any men in any situation. I think that this view trickles down and ends up overtly (in some cases) or subtly (in many, many cases) resulting in the physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse of women (and often, children).

I’ve been challenged by a person I particularly admire to look at the issue and really question how much of my issue is personal and how much is actually theological. I think they both intertwine, and to some extent should – as my view is that the single most important aspect of spirituality is relationship. But I think her point is valid. (And as it was discussed with me in relationship and in a true conversation, I am inclined to listen and seek).

I am not naïve enough to presume I will discover a “capital T” Theology in just 50 days. I am not looking for an immutable Theology, but for “what Leah has come to believe about Theology for now”. It will be an interesting journey, and one I must do with much prayer, openness, tenderness, and time to think. I don’t have the time for this. My children (and I) have been sick, I’m taking a Chinese class, I’m about to start some freelance work, and am doing some volunteer web work right now. I have no time at all. But Lent is about challenging yourself to do what isn’t convenient in order to search and draw closer to the Living God.

I’ll share most of my thoughts here. Please feel free to converse with me by email or in the comments. This is a journey, and it’s always better to have fellow travelers along the way.

Filed Under "My Lenten Journey" on February 10, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Washington state is a caucus state. We also have a primary election (on Tuesday, Feb 19). Why both? It's complicated.

Democrats are assigning all their delegates based on the results of tomorrow's caucus. Republicans are splitting their delegates 49/51 between the caucus and the primary. The primary vote for Democrats is purely advisory and non-binding.

I am mixed on the caucus system. On one hand, I like it because it gets people talking in groups about issues and candidates instead of just in their heads (or on their blogs - heh). On the other hand, caucuses favor the more passionate (extreme) in each party: for the Democrats, it's the far left - for the Republicans, it's the far right. You have to be pretty passionate and motivated to give up a huge chunk of a Saturday to congregate with argumentative neighbors in a cold and echo-y elementary school cafeteria. The most passionate tend to be those with more "extreme" views.

I'm going to caucus on Saturday. I think it's important to participate in the democratic (small "d") process, even if it's inconvenient or I don't have a specific "agenda". I have a candidate I believe in and want to get him as many delegates as I can.

Will you join me?
Click HERE for Democratic caucus locations
Click HERE for Republican caucus locations (King County)

See you at 1:00!

Filed Under "This American Experiment" on February 08, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I am very torn between Clinton and Obama. I have a deep abiding passion and admiration for Hillary and have since the early 90s. I was exactly 20 when Bill Clinton was elected the first time, finishing up college and developing an awareness of where I fit in to society as a woman. I burned with rage at all the guff Hillary got for being too strong, for having an opinion, for having a brain, for not having a chocolate chip cookie recipe for heaven's sake! I appreciated Hillary and all she was doing (and had done through her lifetime) to promote women as capable, thinking leaders. I cheered when she became a Senator in New York. She was quite a role model to me for what women's place in politics or business could be. Even though I don't necessarily subscribe to Hillary's "brand" of feminism, I have great thanks for her work and others of her generation who blazed a trail for we younger women to follow. In her day, it did really have to be work OR family, politics OR chocolate chip cookies. Because of the work of her generation, we now have the option of doing things a bit differently, but we wouldn't have had that option without the sacrifices of those like Hillary.

But, and it's quite a big "but", I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea of another Clinton presidency. Not for reasons you might think (I actually really liked Bill, his personal moral failures aside). But because I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of 2 families running the United States for 24-28 years - an entire generation. We had Bush Sr, then Clinton, then Bush Jr.. Mrs. Clinton would make for a long string of the same folks in the White House (in her case, quite literally). It bothers me because we should be a nation without dynasties. We are so vast in area and so diverse in population that it strikes me as impossible that we could all agree that only two families should govern us in succession for such a long time. (Matthew at Defective Yeti has a great argument about this - and he's way more thoughtful AND much funnier than I am.)

Which is why I am really excited about Obama. He has little to no connection with the Bush/Clinton power bases. I also really like the fact that he's Black. It's about damn time someone other than a white male ran this (increasingly non-white) country. I know race is not the only issue (as gender is not the only issue with Hillary) but I also am not so naive as to pretend it's not an important issue. I like the way he motivates people. I like the way he inspires people. As far as the ISSUES go, um yeah - I should probably to a bit more research on those. But I like Obama a lot.

Also, I think the Republicans all secretly want Hillary to win the nomination. I think they roll around in their sleep, laughing gleeful laughs about how awesome it will be to trounce her in the run-up to the general election. I think that fewer Republican-ish swing voters will be able to bring themselves to vote for Hillary. Remember all the vilification she took when Mr. Clinton was president? The Republicans are salivating, bucking like horses at the gate, waiting to unleash on her in the general election. I think she's much less electable than Obama in the long run.

Here is where Dave points out that I haven't even bothered to mention who I like in the Republican party. Um, yeah. I'm not-so-much a swing voter, but that's probably an issue for a different entry. I *did* really like McCain in 2000, when the Democratic options were so very 'meh'. (I think Gore has found a much better niche for himself promoting Global Warming awareness. If anyone could win an Oscar for a PowerPoint presentation, then my hat is off to him!). John Kerry didn't inspire me in 2004, but I couldn't abide voting for another 4 years of Bush.

Anyway, I guess I'm an Obama supporter - or a "Barack-Star" as my friend likes to say. But I feel a bit guilty about it. I still love you, Hillary! I admire what you've done babe, and just wish you didn't happen to have already been in the White House.

Although, how cool would it be to have "President Bill and President Hillary Clinton" on your return address labels?

Filed Under "This American Experiment" on February 05, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Forget SNOW FEST 2008! We had PUKE FEST which quickly turned into LAUNDRY FEST 2008.

Peter was well for approximately 28.3 seconds, and now he is sick again. I took him to the doctor tonight (at their suggestion after I described his symptoms of fever, chills, runny nose, crying, red and watery eyes). His ears are fine (yay), but it's another virus (boo!).

I'm starting to get really cranky. I love my children and don't mind caring for them when they're sick - it's just that I haven't had much time to myself lately. I have missed much of "my" time to stay home with sick children. I have hardly been to church in weeks. I have not had the time I want to write, nor the time I need to do my blasted Chinese homework.

And I hate it when I'm sick, too. It feels like days of my life get sucked away and then I get back into life only to feel so very very far behind.

Filed Under "Motherhood and Apple Pie" on February 05, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)