my pink toes

I am sick. Again. Don't worry, this post won't really be about that...but it's the being sick and really needing to rest (trying to be responsible and avoid another FM flare) that led me to blog surfing today.

So I was doing some surfing, starting with my Bloglines and then heading into other blogs as part of my Lenten theological quest, and as 'way leads onto way', I found a blog of someone I know. Not closely, but I definitely know who this person is and at one time we spent a fair amount of time together. Not as friends, but this person definitely knows who I am.

And because I am a crazy stalker voracious and curious reader, I read this person's entire blog. Three years of archives. I enjoy doing that sometimes, but it's almost always a perfect stranger. Afterward, I'll usually leave a comment to say "hey - found your blog, read all your archives, thanks for posting, I'll be around." And I leave my blog address.

This time, I didn't. I thought I was coming here asking what I should do, but the reality is that I know what I should do. I should leave the comment and link like always. What is keeping me from this? I thought at first that it was because I don't want this person to feel self-conscious blogging. Then I thought it's because I might be seeing this person a fair amount in the future and AWKWARD (for both of us - especially for the blogger, knowing I've read about 3 years of their life)! But is it because I'm protecting this person? Or is it maybe because I'm protecting myself? Is it me who fears the awkwardness of this other person reading my blog?

I'm feeling vulnerable right now. Feeling like I need to step out into a new realm in a couple areas of my life. This leaves me feeling foolish and stupid. I'm comfortable (in some ways) with where I'm at right now. I took a step out of my comfort zone this weekend and I felt awkward, gangly. I felt out of place and so very very out of my league. If I continue this journey, I will inevitably run into this other blogger. I think I'm mostly afraid of being exposed as a fraud, as a poseur. Of letting myself be open to scrutiny. Fear of people finding this blog and dismissing me as a fluffy-faithed, pedicured suburbanite. Of people thinking my writing isn't worth the pixels used to form the words.

I know what I need to do: Take a deep breath. Take the plunge. Leave the comment (and the link). Let myself feel and wrestle with the anxiety and fear and self-doubt. Look to Jesus as he guides me on these terrifying next steps in my journey of life.

And hey - this may be the first entry that "mystery blogger" sees. Um, crap? Uh, hi?!