my pink toes

First of all, I must apologize to all of you who have sighed lovingly while gushing about Ghiradelli chocolate to me. Inwardly, I would roll my eyes when listening (sorry if I also impolitely rolled my eyes on the outside..). I thought Ghiradelli was interesting and all, and hey - what's not to love about San Francisco? - but not really up to snuff on the chocolate scale.

THAT was before I tasted THESE:

My Latest Obsession

Oh. My.
I have always used dark chocolate in baking and ganache-making, but semi-sweet used to cut it just fine for me. Then, I decided to go out on a limb and try a DARK chocolate for baking. As in, chocolate dark enough to actually list the % cacao. I used Trader Joe's "Pound Plus 72% chocolate" bars and they DID seem to make the ganache just a bit more ganache-ier.

And here is wherin I wish my camera and accompanying photo (non)skills were up to snuff. Look - just look - at the shape and contours of the individual chips. Are you swooning yet? Oh my! Let's just say that not only are they the perfect shape and size to give chocolate chip cookies the right balance of oomph, crunch, and chocolatey goodness, but they are also the perfect size and shape to sneak right out of the bag and plop into your mouth.

But they are the very very best when made into a scrumptious cookie. (Recipe will be posted tomorrow).

Filed Under "In the Kitchen" on June 24, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

So I started taking a drug for my fibromyalgia. Yes, that drug, the one that’s in those commercials these days. At my rheumatologist’s recommendation, I worked up the dose from 50 mg to 125 mg over a period of 6 weeks. I couldn’t really tell if it was working for the pain (it waxes and wanes day to day – it’s the big flares that flatten me out of nowhere that are the worst) and I seemed to be tolerating the side effects well enough (some swelling, a bit of morning shakiness), so we upped the dose to 150, with the intention of taking it to 200 for a few months to see if it made a difference in the frequency and severity of my big pain flares.

Two days later, I had a very scary experience. I could NOT get up out of bed. My brain did not focus. My mom was having surgery and I needed to drive (and park) in downtown Seattle for her appointments. I was very late, and very freaked out. I had to keep blinking my eyes open and willing myself to concentrate. I felt like it was 3am after a long cross-state drive and I was trying to do just a few more miles. But it was 10 am. And I’d had plenty of sleep. I have never thought so hard about driving and parking and walking in my life.

I thought maybe it had just been a freak reaction of the Lyrica compounded with the couple few many capirinhas I’d had the night before, but the next day was even worse. I had the same staying-awake-after-taking-a-sleeping-pill-feeling, but instead of wearing off at about 2, it lasted until 4:30. And even scarier than being a danger to myself, all of Seattle, and my children by driving my mini-van? Was not being able to write. I sat at my computer, and what was in my brain was not what I typed. What was in my head, I could not put the right words to. I typed and backspaced and typed and backspaced and typed and backspaced and FREAKED THE HELL OUT.

At that point, I knew I could not take this drug any more. I did the customary paranoid Google search and found out that Lyrica was trying to kill me. Of course, according to the internet, my tap water is trying to kill me too. And, orange juice causes three-headed newts with purple glowing tails to grow OUT OF YOUR EAR. But this Lyrica? It can be some scary stuff. Turns out I'd been having more side-effects at the lower doses than I realized - like having conversations with my sister-in-law that I don't even remember.

My doctor’s office said that I could stop it altogether, assuring me that I was not on a large enough dose (!) nor had I been on it long enough for it to cause the Google-proven brain damage by going cold turkey. Or I could taper it over a week if I wanted to. That night I took a half-dose and slept from 7:15 pm till 8:45 am. I tapered one more day and then said, “forget it”. Today, I can sit and write and think my thoughts and my typing is only as crappy as usual and my writing only as bad as my normal brain makes it.

The clinical trial dosages are 400 mg or 600 mg between ONE and THREE TIMES A DAY! How anyone’s brain can work on that is a mystery to me. I’d rather eat nitrate-laden hot dogs, wash them down with fluoride-poisoned tap water, and munch some trans-fat-infused snack cakes than take THAT kind of risk. Or, gargle with radiator fluid.

I now have much more compassion for people who have to deal with horrible drug side-effects. Thankfully for me, I can manage my fibro well enough most of the time through an ever-changing combo of rest, exercise, significantly reduced expectations, heat, Mariner’s games, and tears. (Significantly-reduced expectations help with making it through the Mariner’s games as well, but that’s another story). Some people are in excruciating pain ALL THE TIME. Mine is low-level all the time, and only excruciating occasionally - the fatigue kicks my ass every day. People with nerve damage are grateful for Lyrica because they can actually function. I also know that for some fibro sufferers, Lyrica has been a miracle drug that gives them some function back. I hope the side-effects for them are less than mine were, and I also know their pain is much greater Yeah, the pain's been worse since I stopped taking it, but I'll take it over the alternative.

The biggest irony: the DAY I tapered the Lyrica was the DAY the FDA approved Cymbalta for fibro. I’ve been taking Cymbalta for a while now because it has two other components I already need (anti-depressant, and anti-anxiety) and I had read it could help with chronic pain. I'll stick with that.

Filed Under "Fibromyalgia" on June 20, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Turns out I was able to finish that book after all.

How was I able to finish it? My mother-in-law had Peter and I had Henry watch a movie after school so I could completely ignore him and all my other responsibilities and read. Also, it was a really easy read: straight-forward narrative (the daughter and mother supposedly traded off chapters, yet it made NO difference to the story), simple plot, wooden characters...sigh. Since I like to think of myself as a literary snob lover of good literature, I was disappointed (I did bring the book after all - so the blame is all mine).

I still brought the cocktails, but watered them down a bit since I didn't need everyone to feel quite so generous. Even though the book was less-than-stellar, the discussion was spirited enough.

We had my family over on Sunday night where I served these tasty drinks yet again. And this wouldn't be my blog if I didn't go ahead and share the recipe with you.

These cocktails are considered Brazil's national drink (my Brazilian friends assure me I have correct info on this). Like the Cuban Mojito, Caipirinhas have been gaining popularity over the last couple years, especially after they became all the rage in Germany, of all places.

The mojito has citrus, rum and mint going for it - the caipirinha shows off a combo of crunchy turbinado sugar, tart lime chunks and caçhaca. Caçhaca is made from pure sugar cane juice (rum is made from molasses - a byproduct). Some people think it's lighter and smoother than rum, but I think it has a tiny bit of whisky/bourbon taste to it. I don't care for whisky myself, but I like the bit of sweetness the caçhaca adds to the drink.

They are bright, tart, and a bit sweet - perfect for summer (if it ever shows up here in Seattle). Cheers!

Caipirinhas

Some gringos (Giseli - what's the equivalent word for this in Portuguese?) top off the cocktail with an ounce or two of club soda - that's up to you, and whether or not you read the book you're supposed to discuss.

Filed Under "Cocktails" on June 18, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

You hear that? Those awful noises? The crash crash bang thud bounce crash thud bounce bounce bounce crash? Yeah. That's the sound of the juggling balls and spinning plates that I have dropped.

I may have gotten an "A" in all the classes I've taken this year, but I'm pretty close to being on probation for my dismal grade in Life Management. We have missed birthday parties, eaten poorly, and rummaged for clothes in laundry baskets. I have mis-remembered more appointment times than I care to count.

Sure, I've had a lot going on with two close family members having serious health problems, having chronic health problems myself, and still having a 3 year-old. Did I mention I also took 15 credits this year? Just these things combined have more than swamped me. I've been bailing my boat for a long time, yet I sail clumsily along - arriving late, awkward, and looking like a wreck.

I ponder the "fairness" of it all - I often feel that I'm not enough because I can't be Wonder Woman (wouldn't you love to look that great in Granny Undies?). I continue to struggle and process and pray. I need to realize that I did not "win" the genetic lottery and get the unfettered body that only needs 6 hours of sleep and can go like the Energizer Bunny the rest of the time. I actually "won" the entire other end of the spectrum: A body that needs lots of sleep, that is prone to overwhelming fatigue, that can collapse me into bed with bone-crushing pain without much warning. Mostly I'm OK with it now. Sometimes I think I can maybe even see that God is teaching me through it. But mostly I'm just OK. I'm still learning how to balance everything I NEED to do, WANT to do, and CAN'T do. Sometimes, all the balls and plates drop.

This is one of those times.

The latest crash bounce thud crash bang happened this morning. I had planned my next two days of baking and celebrating out in a way that would be (almost) do-able for the real me - and then I discovered Book Group is tonight. TONIGHT! AND: we are discussing THE BOOK I BROUGHT. I had lost the book for a while and just found it last night. I've sure enjoyed the 30 pages I've read so far...but I hear it has a big "twist" ending I need to be able to opine intelligently about.

My strategy? Get my Book Group drunk. OK, so not drunk drunk, but "pleasantly tipsy and therefore generous feeling". I'm hoping that way that they won't notice how little I have to say (about the book anyway). Think it will work?

Filed Under "Books, Fibromyalgia" on June 13, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Happy Loving Day!
from wikipedia.

I know I'm lucky to live in an urban center on the West Coast where such multi-racial families are so prevalent. I have many friends who are kids of such relationships, or in a relationship of such themselves. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me. But, I am totally white myself (whatever that means, really) and married a very pasty white guy. Our kids are really white. In fact, my youngest has white-blond hair (he's a novelty to my Brazilian friends). I am not naive enough to assume we no longer struggle with this issue in America.

I was also encouraged by the fact that one of the current presidential candidates is a product of a mixed-race marriage himself. If we as a nation could put up for election a mixed-race man with black heritage (which I think is still harder for our country to swallow than, say, mixed-race Asian couples....but feel free to beat me up in the comments if you disagree!), then we have come far, indeed.

Along these same lines, the Forbes Most Powerful Celebrities list is topped by a black woman - Oprah Winfrey. She is followed by Tiger Woods, who has a multi-racial ethnicity. The top ten is pretty mulit-ethnic...but with the exception of Woods, I don't see any other Asian celebrities listed. Latin/Hispanics are under-represented as well, with Alex Rodriguez being the only member of the top 25. So I'm encouraged by this news, but realize we still have a ways to go.

So, what do you think? Are you in a "mixed-race" relationship? Are you the child of a "mixed-race" couple? What have your experiences been? Have we come a long way? How far do we have left to go?

Filed Under "Putting My Foot in It, This American Experiment" on June 12, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I was slow to catch on to the whole "Twitter" trend, feeling like it was going to be one more way for me to avoid getting any work done. (Hello - I have Bloglines for that, thanks!). But as each person is limited to only 140 words, it's not very intrusive and very highly entertaining. The best-of-the-best have elevated it to a whole new artform...a one-liner for the 21st century.

Sometimes I use Twitter as a way to share an observation, sometimes just as a "what I am doing" update, and often as a way to share a cute thing my kids said. I don't come up with too many great one-liners, but hey - maybe I'll improve! You can install programs that automatically post a daily digest of your "tweets" to your blog, but I think that would overwhelm my blog pretty fast. So, I'm starting a new category: "Twitter Tuesdays". Each Tuesday (more or less) I'll post my favorite tweets of the week, and maybe even point you to a Twitterer or two that I adore.

Want to follow me at Twitter? You can read my updates on my sidebar...on my Facebook page...or by going to my Twitter page.

Do you Twitter? Let me know what your username is in the comments so I can follow you!

Here are a few of my favorite tweets:

Status Updates

• the Adobe Illustrator pen tool is trying to kill me.


• I finished the year-long slog of 15 credits! How do I celebrate? Move the furniture and vacuum underneath it.


• Dang it! I'm not done after all...I have to write a 2 page paper and make a file. Sigh.


• [from 2 weeks ago..clearly!] Sun today at last! Made emergency after-school stop for popsicles. 4 kids in grocery store = hell. 4 kids outside leaving me alone = heaven

The things kids say

• Peter singing his accidental Sesame Street / Sunday School Mash-Up: "C is for Cookie and it's got Good News!"


• Peter: I want a snack. Me: No, it's bedtime. Peter: Well, you give me a snack before bed *sometimes*, and now it IS SOMETIMES!


• Peter: Hey-don't hurt Rob! Henry: Rob? Who's Rob? P: one of my feets! H: huh? P: yeah, this one

Random Tweets

• Wondering if "working really hard to get things done before the fatigue sets in" is as stupid as "writing fast before I run out of ink"


• They should make Wii:Childcare. Oh, wait...all the titles are that.... They really should make Wii:Refereeing Between Siblings.


• Note to the lady next to me @ Tully's: When you've gone on and on bitching about a co-worker and your tablemate is silent? Time to STOP!


• the 3 boys in my house need some SMART goals about improving the pee-in-the-toilet-to-elsewhere ratio

Filed Under "Twitter Tuesdays" on June 10, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I was a reluctant baseball fan. I did not grow up with a love of the game. In fact, I thought it was boring and pointless until the ripe old age of 25. I'm not even sure why I fell in love with the game. I mean, there was the magical Mariners' season of '95 of and all, but I didn't become a fan until 1997. In fact, when the ballot measure to fund the new stadium came up in 1995, I was soundly against it. I remember saying something along the lines of "if they won't stay here without a new stadium, then I'll personally tie a bow around the team and send them off".

But somehow, the game of baseball grew on me. Specifically, the Mariners grew on me. I fell in love with the team of 1997. Slowly, I began to watch the games, to learn the rules, and to care. We took a road trip to Glacier and Yellowstone that year and I begged sports sections off of other travelers so I could check the AL West standings. In 1999, while backpacking through Europe, I was thrilled to get a glimpse on CNN of the new Safeco Field - as much as I could see on the Ken Griffey Jr. highlight reel, anyway.

For my 30th birthday, Dave bought a block of tickets and invited my best friends out to Safeco Field. Heidi and Jen even made a Baseball Bingo game to play while we watched. I drug the same Heidi and Jen down to Arizona under the guise of a "girls' weekend" to see spring training. My 32nd birthday was on Opening Day, and Dave took the day off to take me to the game. That same year, friends of ours graciously invited us to sit in a suite with them. When I went into early labor with Peter, my prayer was that I'd make it past the date of that game. (I did).

Unfortunately, the Mariners now are not a good baseball team. In fact, there are currently the worst team in baseball, with a winning percentage so low, it is right around a great slugger's batting average. I'm afraid it may even slip below the Mendoza line.

Every April for the last few seasons, I've been surprised and a bit concerned that I wasn't chomping at the bit for baseball. I have been ho-hum about spring training, and even missed Opening Day and the first couple weeks of the season this year. Was I losing the baseball bug? Was it a phase? Even worse, was I the dreaded "Fair Weather Fan"?

Turns out the answers are no, no, and no. Even though none of the players I fell in love with play for the team anymore (I especially miss that dish-at-the-dish Dan Wilson), I still love the game. Perhaps because an entire baseball season and its 180 games are more like a marathon than a sprint, I have to warm up to the game every spring. I watch a game here and there, half-heartedly turn into the radio, worry that I'm losing my love for the game, and then - BAM - by the middle of May I'm hooked again.

Peter has always liked baseball, but he's more of my sports-guy anyway. In the past I tried to get Henry to watch the games with me, but he was glued to the commercials instead. But this year, they are both really in to the game. They ask me about rules, they have learned the players' names (if a 3-year-old saying Rauuuuuuul Ibanez! doesn't melt your heart, I don't know what will), and they even watch and listen to the games with me. I don't have to fight for TV time, or listen to the radio in a corner of the house.

This last weekend, I had a dream come true: I attended a Mariners game with my boys (and my niece and my dad), who WATCHED THE ENTIRE THING. I couldn't have been happier, or more proud.

Filed Under "Everything Else, Kidlets" on June 04, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Sitting here, looking at websites, wasting time really. Now, I don’t think that looking at websites is always wasting time – I have many that I check frequently and dearly love – but if I’m repeatedly clicking “refresh” at Bloglines, I know I’m avoiding doing something else.

I need to get deeper into what it is that I’m avoiding. I have plenty to do, and plenty that I want to do. Then why don’t I do it? Sometimes, it’s because of the horrible fatigue that I get from the fibro (but if that’s the case, why do I keep surfing instead of going to bed at night?). Sometimes, it’s because I really am tired and need a break. Sometimes, well sometimes, I don’t know why I do it. I’m avoiding something, but I don’t really know what.

I have lots of things I want to write about – why do I never get to that point?

I have books I want to read….website redesigns to ponder….many things on my to-do list that have been put off for far too long.

I used to feel guilty about spending time on myself – on resting, relaxing, or taking time out for me. Thankfully I am doing a bit better about that and thanks to counseling can see sometimes when that’s the case.

But times like this, I don’t really understand what’s keeping me back. What am I afraid of? What do I really want?

Maybe I am afraid to know.

Filed Under "Depression" on June 04, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)