my pink toes

Terracotta Warriors and Me It was sooo hot and humid (34 degrees C) in Xi'an, but the Warriors were amazing. It was a whirlwind day, and so worth it.

I board my plane in a few short hours. I have so much to process and write about. It's been a great trip, and I'm absolutely exhausted. I look forward to distilling my thoughts and posting them over the next few weeks.

For now, enjoy more photos with captions.
And if you're really bored, you can check out all my China photos.

Zaijian!

Filed Under "200708 - China, Chronic Babe-ness" on August 27, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Things have not been so rosy here at my pink toes. I tried to deny it, but have finally come to terms with the fact that I am in the midst of another depression.

I'm dealing with a lot of the reality of my chronic pain and fatigue issues. This is very good for me (and my family, and my friends, and anyone who has to come into contact with me, really) in the long run, but very very emotionally devastating in the short run. The reality is, I can't even take care of my kids and my home without help. I have childcare 1 1/2 to 2 days a week, and I still struggle with having enough energy to take care of my family, especially my emotionally-needy oldest child. Lots and lots of things fall through the cracks. Oh, and summer vacation is coming up, which hypes my anxiety level. I need more-than-average energy just to manage Henry and his emotions when he's home full-time. AND I feel like I need to be able to do Special Things with them in the summer - because I am HOME, after all. I do love taking off to the Aquarium (or beach, or zoo...) for the day, but I am WIPED OUT when I return. I can't manage during the school year - how am I going to cope with a summer?

I'm also dealing with some long, deep-seated 'family of origin' issues (how's that for psychology fancy-talk!). This deep dealing-with-issues stuff is what I've gone to therapy for, and it's what I have to do to come out on the other side and bypass the tap-dance routine my brain does to distract me from this hard, painful work. But, in the meantime, it sucks. No really, it sucks.

And the Lap-Band Journey is following an different path than I anticipated. I'm not alone and have heard lots of encouragement, but I really expected that - after going through SURGERY and all - I might actually, possibly feel just a tiny bit like I actually HAVE a Lap-Band and not just random scarring and lies. You can probably tell I'm feeling a bit hostile and bitter. I was really hoping my Band and weight loss journey would be a source of inspiration and excitement for me right now, which makes it all the more frustrating when I'm experiencing the exact opposite.

Lastly, I'm tired of our financial realities. My husband makes about a bazillion dollars, but it doesn't go far enough. Why? WHY? Well, the mortgage in this crazy-high-priced real estate area is one reason. $2400 a month is quite a dent. The all-day Kindergarten supplement of $245 doesn't help either. The other reason is harder for me to face: we're broke because I'm CRAZY. My therapy bill is about $1000 a month. Gulp. I go to my therapist twice a week, and one of those is an extended session. The therapy has been vital to me - it has changed everything in my life in an amazing way. My husband is so glad to have me go and doesn't resent the money. But I'M starting to resent it. We're broke. I'm out of grocery money until Friday (we had mac and cheese for dinner tonight). I hate hate hate living this way.

I feel like I'm such a financial drain: I cost a ton of money, and I - quite frankly - can't bring in any. My chronic pain issues are very real and very debilitating. I couldn't work for a paycheck if I wanted to. (Unless someone wants to pay me to blog and learn cool CSS tricks). I could barely work part-time (80%) BEFORE I had children. There is no way I could manage our household and work now. Oh, and my medical bills are also substantial. Thankfully (yes, thankfully!) we have really good medical insurance. So I only have co-pays. But 3-7 doctor co-pays a month at $15 a pop (yes, I frequently have to go to various doctors THAT often) plus all the co-pays on my prescriptions (5-6 of them at $5-$15 each) add up. The sobering truth is that we didn't used to have a life insurance policy on me because, even if we account for additional child-care costs, Dave would actually SAVE money if something happened to me. This does not do wonders for my self-esteem.

So, I'm a crazy, fat, stay-at-home mom whose pain is so great she can't actually manage to take care of her children and clean her house (ohmygosh, don't even mention the yard) on a full-time basis.

Filed Under "Chronic Babe-ness, Depression, Motherhood and Apple Pie" on June 20, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

Such sad, sad pink toes

The reality was that I was pushing my body to the limit and beyond each and every day. Instead of feeling these limitations, embracing them, and learning from them, I continued to destroy my body and relationships by living in denial and lashing out at myself and those closest to me.

I am now listening to my body more. I enjoy my life, my friends, and my children so much more when I get the rest I need. I just don't like acknowledging how much rest that really is. It's immense. I am grieving so much loss of perceived ability. I am grieving many things. But I know that this is the way through this mess and the way to true healing and true relationships.

I have to accept and embrace my limitations.
I am slowly, slowly learning how.

Filed Under "Chronic Babe-ness, Fibromyalgia" on June 09, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Running low on spoons today

I have fibromyalgia, which means that on any given day, I hurt all over. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, but every day I’m in some sort of pain. It is mainly concentrated around my hips, and the theory is that although FM is not necessarily caused by a traumatic injury or motor vehicle accident, such events can bring out FM. I was in a serious car accident in 1991. The lap belt saved my life, but did lifelong tissue damage and since then I have been in pain every day.

After pursuing treatment for 2 years past my injury date, it finally became clear that something else was going on in my body beside an acute injury. I was fortunate enough to have a couple fabulous healthcare providers (sprinkled in with the many other unhelpful providers) who knew about fibromyalgia and suggested that might be what I had. I finally got a “real” diagnosis from a rheumatologist last fall. I already knew it was what I had, and my PCP has treated me as such, but I decided I needed the diagnosis in writing to help with my own emotional acceptance. Living in denial on and off for 15 years wasn’t very effective.

I still struggle with this illness. It’s one of those “but you don’t look sick” things. Yes, I know, I don’t look sick, but I’m in pain almost all the time. I don’t talk about it all the time, because I get tired of it. Sometimes I am biting the bullet and putting on the happy face, but if I didn’t, who would want to talk to me? I bore myself with the constant pain-awareness. I have a few people I can be completely honest with and I value that very much. Frankly, so many people don’t truly believe I’m in pain and I’m too exhausted and confused myself to educate them so I save my breath.

And if one more person tells me that they think all this mythical-achy-stuff is going to *poof* magically disappear when I reach my goal weight, I may either throw a bottle of painkilers at them (not likely, but tempting), or (more likely) burst into tears. I’m in tears now with the weight of this dilemma – when people say that they hope my pain will disappear when I lose my weight, they are blaming all the pain on me. They are saying “you are in pain because you are fat.” I weighed 190 pounds when I was in my accident in 1991. I’ve been in pain at every weight I’ve held since then– from 180 pounds all the way up to 312. I have other pains that are clearly related to my weight – like my creaky knees, sore heels, and lower stamina for some activities. But the constant achy pain and the debilitating fatigue are unfortunately here to stay. The pain is NOT MY FAULT. I have to tell myself this over and over again. In my house growing up, most everything was my fault, so I’ve learned how to blame myself for everything. I did not bring this pain on myself, I did not ask for it, and God is not angry with me. I am still in therapy and constantly reminding myself of these things. Please stop making it even harder.

I’m cranky today. I’m in a lot of pain. I wish this was not one of the main narratives of my life. But it is. With God’s grace and help I will learn how to incorporate this narrative into the cohesive story of my life.

******
Here are some great links for helping understand those with chronic pain:
Anonymous Letter to People Without Chronic Pain (I’ll probably do my own version of this sometime in the future)
Tips for Friends of Chronic Pain Sufferers
Spoon Theory (AWESOME analogy of what it’s like to live with chronic pain)

I have found immeasurable support and understanding at ChronicBabe.com and most of these links were discovered through their great site.

Filed Under "Chronic Babe-ness, Fibromyalgia, Medical Freak(out)" on May 21, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)