my pink toes

First, walk in late.
Second, be just under 6 feet tall. And fat.
Third, proudly wear an "Obama '08" button because you are high on the adrenaline from the caucus and feel like it's important to be integrated in your whole life. Think, misguidedly, that wearing the button is a step toward this kind of integration.
Fourth, listen to a main point in the sermon about how people are feeling alienated by some others because of strong political views. Hear about how it is important not to shove things in other's faces, but to bring all things up in relationship. Agree wholeheartedly with the message that being a Jesus-follower has a definite impact on your whole life - including your responsibility to participate in the political process. Feel like a total schmuck because not only are you late, fat, and tall, you have a fricking political button on your vest.
Fifth, try not to be distracted the rest of the sermon by trying to decide whether or not to remove said fricking button. Deliberate in your head what the point was of wearing the button to church anyway. Wish your button said "Vote" instead of "Obama". Decide that would have been a much better way to integrate faith and politics without being a case-in-point for the sermon.
Sixth, decide to not take off the button, dammit. Because you don't want it to be obvious that you are taking it off JUST BECAUSE OF THE SERMON THAT IS DIRECTED AT YOU YOU YOU and you can be a stubborn bitch. Also, you were late and therefore in a seat that no one else wanted so taking the button off would be really obvious. See also "fat" and "tall" above.
Seventh, realize that you have to go up and take communion with the fricking button on. So not only are you exposed to the half of the church that could scrutinize you in the crappy seat, now you get to expose yourself to the ENTIRE CHURCH.
Eighth, slip button off after church while crowd dissapates and you have a conversation with someone you actually know and haven't seen in a long time (which provides enough of a distraction that you don't feel like a TOTAL tool taking off your button).
Ninth, be introduced to the pastor. You are now, thankfully, without the fricking button, but are sure that it is marked on you somehow. Be convinced that the pastor saw you and directed some of his sermon remarks directly at you. Become convinced that the pastor can see directly into your soul, exposing you as a fluffy-faithed, pedicured suburbanite.
Tenth, say stupid things to the pastor, like "being on a spiritual journey" and "working through some stuff with my faith", which leave no doubt that you are a loser and poseur. Wish for the ground to swallow you whole. Realize that you started this potential church relationship off on the absolute worst foot possible.
Eleventh, come back to your blog and brood and cry. Realize that this journey you're on is a bigger deal to you than you thought. Acknowledge that despite all the work you've done, you still have a few issues to deal with. Plead to Jesus for some relief to the anxiety and for comfort and challenge in the next steps.

Filed Under "My Lenten Journey" on February 13, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

Lent is typically characterized (in Western tradition, at least) by giving something up for the season. Many give up chocolate or desserts, or TV. But I know that giving up desserts just puts me in the frame of a diet, and “dieting for Jesus" is not exactly what Lent is about. The idea is to do something that makes us focus more on God, on Jesus, on God’s amazing love for us - culminating in Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross (celebrated at Easter). Giving up desserts makes me focus on the scale, on other self-centered things. I need something that would have me focus on God instead.

As God is the creator of Time, it makes sense that the timing of Lent coincides with a time of great spiritual searching on my part. I have been praying about what to do in quite a few areas of my life, and I feel God calling me to do a Lenten Journey – in this case: a quest for a theology.

I’ve been struggling with some spiritual issues lately, and with the ideas of church and faith and religion and Jesus and compassion and responsibility and love and sin. The linchpin issue lately seems to be the one of women’s place in the Church (big C, and small c).

There are a few large, popular churches in the area that are doing many things I admire: like reaching out to people in the culture where they live and move and have their being (as opposed to making them fit into a Boomer- or Greatest Generation- framed church culture). Unfortunately, the two I have experience with have very clear theological positions preventing women from being in church leadership. This has led to me making a few unkind and snotty comments about one church in particular, greatly offending a friend of mine. I apologized to my friend and spent some time thinking about my sharp tongue that got me into trouble (again). This led me to thinking about what my actual issue is: is it really with that church, or that very out-spoken pastor? Somewhat - but my real, deeper issue is with Reformed Theology. (Defining what Reformed Theology is, is part of my journey, and will be the subject of another post – or more).

I have some significant personal experience with church and church culture coming from a Reformed Theology viewpoint and, specifically, with the view of not having women in any position of “authority” (a hot-button word, if I’ve ever heard one…) over any men in any situation. I think that this view trickles down and ends up overtly (in some cases) or subtly (in many, many cases) resulting in the physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse of women (and often, children).

I’ve been challenged by a person I particularly admire to look at the issue and really question how much of my issue is personal and how much is actually theological. I think they both intertwine, and to some extent should – as my view is that the single most important aspect of spirituality is relationship. But I think her point is valid. (And as it was discussed with me in relationship and in a true conversation, I am inclined to listen and seek).

I am not naïve enough to presume I will discover a “capital T” Theology in just 50 days. I am not looking for an immutable Theology, but for “what Leah has come to believe about Theology for now”. It will be an interesting journey, and one I must do with much prayer, openness, tenderness, and time to think. I don’t have the time for this. My children (and I) have been sick, I’m taking a Chinese class, I’m about to start some freelance work, and am doing some volunteer web work right now. I have no time at all. But Lent is about challenging yourself to do what isn’t convenient in order to search and draw closer to the Living God.

I’ll share most of my thoughts here. Please feel free to converse with me by email or in the comments. This is a journey, and it’s always better to have fellow travelers along the way.

Filed Under "My Lenten Journey" on February 10, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)