my pink toes

Forget SNOW FEST 2008! We had PUKE FEST which quickly turned into LAUNDRY FEST 2008.

Peter was well for approximately 28.3 seconds, and now he is sick again. I took him to the doctor tonight (at their suggestion after I described his symptoms of fever, chills, runny nose, crying, red and watery eyes). His ears are fine (yay), but it's another virus (boo!).

I'm starting to get really cranky. I love my children and don't mind caring for them when they're sick - it's just that I haven't had much time to myself lately. I have missed much of "my" time to stay home with sick children. I have hardly been to church in weeks. I have not had the time I want to write, nor the time I need to do my blasted Chinese homework.

And I hate it when I'm sick, too. It feels like days of my life get sucked away and then I get back into life only to feel so very very far behind.

Filed Under "Motherhood and Apple Pie" on February 05, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Warning: Long Whine Ahead, with a dose of TMI. Feel free to skip this entry.

I was up the first half of the night with Peter, who threw up six times (the first of which tagged the comforter, the sheets, the pillow, the bedskirt, and the wall - pooling into a giant, disgusting swamp on the floor.) Dave gave Peter a bath and I cleaned the room. I then offered to take the rest of the night, as Henry had the same thing on Friday night and the Amazing Dave got up every time, changing sheets 3 times and helping Henry.

Peter stopped barfing around 2:30am. Unfortunately, I woke up barfing at 3:15 am. I was throwing up and not sleeping until 6 am, when I finally dozed until 9am. I am also in the middle of a huge Fibromyalgia flare - my arms, fingers, wrists, hips and back hurt so much that I couldn't fall asleep even though I was exhausted. I threw up the meds I took for pain relief last night and figured they'd just come right back up this morning (good call, as I kept throwing up all the way to 3pm). And on top of everything else, I'm having my period. I am as sick as I have ever been.

I had to lay in bed all day and finally got some liquid Vic0din down around 4, and it stayed down. I finally slept, until about 6 - just in time to catch the State of the Union address.

I have not been this sick for as long as I can remember. I couldn't even check email until 6pm - you know that's sick for me! I was far too sick to even watch TV - I could only lie there and listen to podcasts. God bless Dave, for staying home and working while taking care of the kids. God bless Henry's friend, who invited him over to play in the snow for the day (I already have big guilt on snow days because I can't go sledding with my kids or play in the snow without putting myself into a big flare - I started in a flare and quite literally could not get out of bed).

Water is staying down, and I could actually follow some of the State of the Union. I hope I feel better tomorrow. It makes me envious of small children - Peter feels fine now (aside from the lack of sleep).

I'm so grateful to have a support network to get me through days like this.

Filed Under "Dave Smith: Wonder Husband, Fibromyalgia, Motherhood and Apple Pie" on January 28, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Listening to music on Mommy's 'punkyewter'
Yo Ho, Pirate's Life for my from iTunes

By the time Peter arrived nearly three years ago, Dave had made his own Linux-based DVR (affectionately dubbed the DiVO). Peter has no concept that shows air at a certain time. He watches whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I have no idea what the current PBS line-up is, because he is an all-Scooby-all-the-time guy. And with the DiVO, it’s “No problem – Scooby coming right up!” He begs to watch “the baseball guys” with me in the afternoons and I have to explain to him that there’s no game on right now because the Mariners don’t play till seven. He doesn’t understand why I don’t DVR the games.

We’re not early technology adopters. Not because we don’t like gadgets and geekiness (we do! we do!). It’s because we’re cheap. Well, my husband is cheap, and I’m learning how to be cheap too. It’s quite good for things like “the bottom line”, “living debt-free”, and “possibly being able to retire before we’re 75”. Since we’re tech-savvy-but-cheap, we drool a lot and think about all the great 2007 technology we can buy in 2010 when it’s all out-dated and therefore finally within our price range. [Ok, here’s my big technology-doofus secret: I just don’t get the whole “texting” thing. I’m pretty sure that if I were stuck in quicksand and my life depended on it, I would die before I could num-key out the letters “h-e-l-p-m-e” on my phone. I’ve sent 5 texts in my entire life, and one of them took 30 minutes to compose.]

Anyway - for Christmas, I got an iPod nano (thanks, Sweetie!). It’s cute, it's pink, and I use it all the time. I even took the giant step of downloading music for Peter onto it. With Henry, I bought train-themed CDs to play in the car. With Peter, I decided to buy some pirate-y songs off of iTunes to keep us company on our daily travels. We started with the theme song from “The Pirates of the Caribbean” ride. (We had been singing “Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate’s life for me!” and figured there must be more words to that song. We discovered that no, actually - there aren’t too many more words, and what additional words there are, are quite banally forgettable. Is the song stuck in your head now? You’re welcome! …But I digress). To upload the songs, etc. I have iTunes on my computer. Now every morning, Peter begs to listen to his pirate songs on my "punkyewter" while I take a shower. I snapped a photo of him doing it because I was so struck by the picture of technology.

Back when I was a kid, my brother and I played LPs of Cinderella, Robin Hood and Peter Pan – first on our red Fisher Price kids’(!) phonograph, and later on the gigantic console stereo that Mom and Dad moved to the basement. I vividly remember the Christmas my grandmother gave us CASSETTE PLAYERS!

I love technology, but sometimes am wistful for “the way things were”. I think it’s more a manifestation of how Complicated and Real life gets over time. It’s not that my iPod is that much more advanced and complex than my red phonograph, it’s that my life is more complicated and complex now. I have more responsibilities and am more aware of what’s going on around me.

I hope when my children are older, they will sometimes be wistful for the old-fashioned technology of iTunes, DVRs and text messaging. That remembering listening to pirate songs or watching Scooby Doo on demand will bring them back to the feeling where the world was simpler, things were easier, and they had fewer cares. That’s part of my job as a mom, to let them have a simple childhood that they can look back on and remember that feeling of being completely provided for and loved.

Filed Under "Kidlets, Motherhood and Apple Pie" on June 30, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Things have not been so rosy here at my pink toes. I tried to deny it, but have finally come to terms with the fact that I am in the midst of another depression.

I'm dealing with a lot of the reality of my chronic pain and fatigue issues. This is very good for me (and my family, and my friends, and anyone who has to come into contact with me, really) in the long run, but very very emotionally devastating in the short run. The reality is, I can't even take care of my kids and my home without help. I have childcare 1 1/2 to 2 days a week, and I still struggle with having enough energy to take care of my family, especially my emotionally-needy oldest child. Lots and lots of things fall through the cracks. Oh, and summer vacation is coming up, which hypes my anxiety level. I need more-than-average energy just to manage Henry and his emotions when he's home full-time. AND I feel like I need to be able to do Special Things with them in the summer - because I am HOME, after all. I do love taking off to the Aquarium (or beach, or zoo...) for the day, but I am WIPED OUT when I return. I can't manage during the school year - how am I going to cope with a summer?

I'm also dealing with some long, deep-seated 'family of origin' issues (how's that for psychology fancy-talk!). This deep dealing-with-issues stuff is what I've gone to therapy for, and it's what I have to do to come out on the other side and bypass the tap-dance routine my brain does to distract me from this hard, painful work. But, in the meantime, it sucks. No really, it sucks.

And the Lap-Band Journey is following an different path than I anticipated. I'm not alone and have heard lots of encouragement, but I really expected that - after going through SURGERY and all - I might actually, possibly feel just a tiny bit like I actually HAVE a Lap-Band and not just random scarring and lies. You can probably tell I'm feeling a bit hostile and bitter. I was really hoping my Band and weight loss journey would be a source of inspiration and excitement for me right now, which makes it all the more frustrating when I'm experiencing the exact opposite.

Lastly, I'm tired of our financial realities. My husband makes about a bazillion dollars, but it doesn't go far enough. Why? WHY? Well, the mortgage in this crazy-high-priced real estate area is one reason. $2400 a month is quite a dent. The all-day Kindergarten supplement of $245 doesn't help either. The other reason is harder for me to face: we're broke because I'm CRAZY. My therapy bill is about $1000 a month. Gulp. I go to my therapist twice a week, and one of those is an extended session. The therapy has been vital to me - it has changed everything in my life in an amazing way. My husband is so glad to have me go and doesn't resent the money. But I'M starting to resent it. We're broke. I'm out of grocery money until Friday (we had mac and cheese for dinner tonight). I hate hate hate living this way.

I feel like I'm such a financial drain: I cost a ton of money, and I - quite frankly - can't bring in any. My chronic pain issues are very real and very debilitating. I couldn't work for a paycheck if I wanted to. (Unless someone wants to pay me to blog and learn cool CSS tricks). I could barely work part-time (80%) BEFORE I had children. There is no way I could manage our household and work now. Oh, and my medical bills are also substantial. Thankfully (yes, thankfully!) we have really good medical insurance. So I only have co-pays. But 3-7 doctor co-pays a month at $15 a pop (yes, I frequently have to go to various doctors THAT often) plus all the co-pays on my prescriptions (5-6 of them at $5-$15 each) add up. The sobering truth is that we didn't used to have a life insurance policy on me because, even if we account for additional child-care costs, Dave would actually SAVE money if something happened to me. This does not do wonders for my self-esteem.

So, I'm a crazy, fat, stay-at-home mom whose pain is so great she can't actually manage to take care of her children and clean her house (ohmygosh, don't even mention the yard) on a full-time basis.

Filed Under "Chronic Babe-ness, Depression, Motherhood and Apple Pie" on June 20, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

In the sky (finally!), and coming soon to a Science Fair near me:

We've been busy here doing Henry's Science Fair project but I'm really proud of him (and me) and of the result. I was determined to have this project be his and at his level, which meant I needed to learn the fine balance between instructing and taking over. I used to teach (8th grade), so it's always fun for me to get back in that mode. I also love fostering Henry's creativity and helping him pursue his passions. He loves science, and space is his current favorite thing. So, we signed up for the science fair and researched the sun.

I decided early on we were going to do a "report", not an "experiment" and even went through the trouble of clearing it with the coordinator. (Yes, I'm a teacher-nerd. In 8th grade, we do NOT want reports, we want analytical research papers or experiments, using the scientific method. I thought a "report" was exactly suited to this project for Henry. To make it an experiment or an analytic research paper would be way over a Kindergartener's head, which would therefore make it MY project by default.)

Henry and I read lots of books, talked about his questions about the sun, and then answered them. He could tell you every bit of information that's on his science board (this was very important to me). He learned a lot and is eager to talk about it. (Did you know that the center of the earth rotates faster than the poles? Scientists think this may be what causes the solar flares......... Also, did you know the Earth rotates around the Milky Way once every 225 million years?)

I'm proud of him, and proud of us. The only bittersweet thing is that I'm ditching the actual fair to hang out with Jen. I'll let Daddy wander the high-school gym with a distractable and mischevious 2 year-old in tow. Hopefully Peter won't wreck any projects before they're graded....

One cool thing we found is a website where you can find a picture of the sun taken almost every DAY! So Henry has a picture of the sun that was taken at 6:32 THIS EVENING. Wow, the internet age has changed everything! I was telling Henry that we didn't even have a computer when I was his age (nor a typewriter). If I had wanted a picture of the sun, I would've had to call the observatory, and they'd have to print and mail me one. It would've cost a lot and taken WEEKS. And here, a picture, not more than an hour old...just for the clicking. Yes, I'm a geezer, but a wild-eyed-with-wonder geezer.

Filed Under "Kidlets, Let's Go Surfin' Now...(www), Motherhood and Apple Pie" on March 28, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

My mom bought us some Pull-Ups the other day: Princess Pull-Ups (how are grandmas supposed to know they come in gender-specific styles?). After a good laugh and telling her we'd pass them on to a friend, I've been using them on Peter. He doesn't seem to mind the tell-tale purple stripe peeking out above his waistband.

Apparently, I don't mind it either. We've nearly gone through the entire bag.

Filed Under "Motherhood and Apple Pie" on March 14, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Wednesday afternoons at Chuck E. Cheese are awesome!

Friday nights at Chuck E. Cheese are just a little tiny slice of hell.

Mostly because all these toddlers kept taking my Skee Balls and putting their cute little precious heads behind me so I couldn't really get a proper wind-up. Their poor parents looked so zombie-eyed and exhausted and I could tell my Friday afternoon heart was the shriveled stone of an old bitter crone. So instead of elbowing the tykes away and glaring laser holes into their non-parenting-parents' heads, I managed to smile a teeny bit. And leave. And drink a cocktail at home with my friend.

Filed Under "Motherhood and Apple Pie" on March 09, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

We attended a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party today. I steeled myself for the occasion. I brought Advil. I had a pre-set time whereupon we were going to leave-for-sure-and-don’t-ask me-to-stay-longer-I-mean-it! I even flirted with the idea of ordering wine to take the edge off the dinge, grime, bell-ringing and children-shrieking. (Meredith Viera would NOT approve). I contemplated ear plugs. And Valium.

I was looking forward to Skee Ball. And maybe some of that wine, if I got the guts to order it. But I was mostly dreading the 1.5 hour-long torture to come.

I arrived, under-napped 2-year-old and jacked-up 6-year-old in tow. First, we scored a parking spot right by the door. I got the kids out of the van, through the rain and into the door in less than 15 seconds. This was starting out well! We walked through a long, half-walled corridor where security guy (Chuck E. Cheese bouncer?) stamped us with a super-secret-only-visible-under-ultra-violet-light code. Kids can only leave with the adult who has the same code. Ok, so I was impressed so far.

I looked around. The last time I went to a Chuck E. Cheese, the walls were permanently yellowed from the wafts of nicotine-laden puffs drifting out of the smoking section, combined with millions of pizza-laded fingerprints. The place was full of nooks and crannies where I ran into blobs of gum, puddles of spilled pop, or French-kissing teenagers. All were equally gross and unnerving.

But what I saw today was a bright, freshly-painted, and totally open place. Everything was visible. There was no place to hide (and therefore, no place to lose a 2-year-old).

I’m sure you gathered by now that I actually had a GREAT time. The kids and I played Skee Ball until our arms fell off. I even let my guard down a little bit, allowing my little guy to wander between the party guests because I could actually SEE him whenever I stopped to look around (and I got to play more Skee Ball this way). We rode rides, we ate pizza, we cheered for Chuck as he danced and rooted for Harry as he blew out his candles. We practically closed the place down.

They also have an AIR HOCKEY table (a long-standing love of mine and Dave’s)! I am totally under Chuck’s spell now. I see many family date nights here in our future. It will probably turn in to Mommy begging the kids to “go to Chuck E. Cheese’s again please-pretty-please!”.

Filed Under "Motherhood and Apple Pie" on March 07, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

We had 6 days off in a row here (3 snow days, a weekend, and MLK day). Today..FINALLY... my oldest was supposed to go back to school (1 1/2 hour late start AND early release, but who's counting?).
So, of course, he woke up sick.

**losing my grip on sanity**

Filed Under "Motherhood and Apple Pie" on January 17, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

We've been snowbound here the last 6 days. My little one is wild and I realized the only place he had been in 5 days was to the liquor store with me. Does this make me a bad mama?

Filed Under "Cocktails, Motherhood and Apple Pie" on January 16, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

It's acually snowing here today. I know by national standards, it's no big deal to get snow on Thanksgiving weekend. But by Seattle standards, it's quite unusual. We don't get much snow here - some years, not any - and usually not until January. But here I am, online-Christmas-shopping away, watching the snow come down through my window. It's so peaceful, and yet unsettling.

I grew up in eastern Washington, where snow is common and plentiful. I even took my driver's test in the snow. We always had studded snow tires and drove wherever, whenever. I distinctly remember Dad shoveling the driveway on Sundays to get a headstart for the next day's commute, and him dragging us around the yard by our ankles, getting snow in our pants and wedged up our backs. We would all run inside after for hot chocolate and a sit-down on the heat register. We would fight over who got to stick their cold feet under the dog's warm belly.

Here, snow is a different thing entirely. Many non-natives tease us mercilessly for our snow-phobia. It's true, the city does come to a screeching halt when the white stuff flows down. But as an adult, I've seen reasons for the panic. We have hills here, lots of hills. Also, when it snows here, it's often just barely on the temperature bubble between rain and snow and the precipitation transforms fluidly from solid to liquid throughout the day. That means that the beautiful snow we wake up to will melt into a slush and then freeze into a slippery, unpredictable sheet of ice by nightfall. Repeat this layer upon layer, and you can see we are driving on an complicated strata of uncertainty.

When I was a teacher, I loved the snow days as much as any student - they were "free" days for me, too! But now as my life includes my own children and more complicated responsibilities, I am more wary of the snow. Now I have two little lives in my car, at the whim of my and other drivers' abilitites to manuever the ice and sleet of varying degrees.

I'm off to meet my extended family at Nana's house. I know the children will be estatic, and I want to share in their joy. I will laugh and guess with them the probabilities of having school canceled tomorrow, or at least a late start. But deep down, I will worry. This is one of the ways motherhood has changed me irrevocably.

Filed Under "Motherhood and Apple Pie" on November 26, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I know many people who treat their pets as children. I suppose there was a time when I could have gone that way, but then I had a baby of my own. The cats went from being our children to being “those dang cats”. After being spit on, sucked on, and clung to all day, the last thing I wanted was a furry tail in my face. I took to dumping Pixel off the bed whenever I was annoyed. For a while, I felt a bit of guilt. Then I settled onto a realization: I have a limited amount of emotional and physical resources. Although my cat may grow up emotionally damaged, he can’t gun down his high school. I’ll spend my precious resources on family members with opposable thumbs.

Filed Under "Motherhood and Apple Pie" on November 14, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)