my pink toes

I am sick. Again. Don't worry, this post won't really be about that...but it's the being sick and really needing to rest (trying to be responsible and avoid another FM flare) that led me to blog surfing today.

So I was doing some surfing, starting with my Bloglines and then heading into other blogs as part of my Lenten theological quest, and as 'way leads onto way', I found a blog of someone I know. Not closely, but I definitely know who this person is and at one time we spent a fair amount of time together. Not as friends, but this person definitely knows who I am.

And because I am a crazy stalker voracious and curious reader, I read this person's entire blog. Three years of archives. I enjoy doing that sometimes, but it's almost always a perfect stranger. Afterward, I'll usually leave a comment to say "hey - found your blog, read all your archives, thanks for posting, I'll be around." And I leave my blog address.

This time, I didn't. I thought I was coming here asking what I should do, but the reality is that I know what I should do. I should leave the comment and link like always. What is keeping me from this? I thought at first that it was because I don't want this person to feel self-conscious blogging. Then I thought it's because I might be seeing this person a fair amount in the future and AWKWARD (for both of us - especially for the blogger, knowing I've read about 3 years of their life)! But is it because I'm protecting this person? Or is it maybe because I'm protecting myself? Is it me who fears the awkwardness of this other person reading my blog?

I'm feeling vulnerable right now. Feeling like I need to step out into a new realm in a couple areas of my life. This leaves me feeling foolish and stupid. I'm comfortable (in some ways) with where I'm at right now. I took a step out of my comfort zone this weekend and I felt awkward, gangly. I felt out of place and so very very out of my league. If I continue this journey, I will inevitably run into this other blogger. I think I'm mostly afraid of being exposed as a fraud, as a poseur. Of letting myself be open to scrutiny. Fear of people finding this blog and dismissing me as a fluffy-faithed, pedicured suburbanite. Of people thinking my writing isn't worth the pixels used to form the words.

I know what I need to do: Take a deep breath. Take the plunge. Leave the comment (and the link). Let myself feel and wrestle with the anxiety and fear and self-doubt. Look to Jesus as he guides me on these terrifying next steps in my journey of life.

And hey - this may be the first entry that "mystery blogger" sees. Um, crap? Uh, hi?!

Filed Under "Writing" on February 11, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Porcella Urban Market
I think I've found my place.

I wanted a place of my own. I wanted charm. I wanted something that didn’t feel so cookie-cutter-American-strip-mall-ish. I was on the hunt for something new. It needed to have free wi-fi (natch). Good coffee was a bonus. I debated how much time it would take me, but then finally decided to wander around downtown Bellevue today. I felt in my gut that there had to be a great coffee shop with free wi-fi. My gut was oh-so-right.

I found a café that not only has the technology, but an amazing French menu. Best of all, it serves my absolute favorite and sometimes-hard-to-find coffee: Caffé Vita! So, I’m sitting here staring at a wall of wine, sipping a smoky-sweet latte, smelling the amazing scents of a European-style kitchen to my back, plugging into the rustic pole on my left, connecting to the internet, and glimpsing the life out on the street.

I browsed the wine wall with its helpful sommelier notes and selected a highly-recommended bottle as part of my quest for that ever-elusive-
delicious-and-full-bodied-with-a-smooth-finish-yet-less-than-$20 bottle of red. I also discovered that I can buy my favorite coffee in whole bean bags (currently, I have to drive into downtown Seattle, or beg my parents to bring me some from Port Townsend). I am swooning.

The foodie, writer, wine-lover, and coffee addict in me are extremely happy.

Filed Under "Writing" on September 25, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.
-Pablo Picasso

Filed Under "Quotes, Writing" on September 08, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

raspberry from Mayiii's photostream

Other days I wonder what the heck I am doing here. Why did I think I could do this? I have no insight, no knack for description, no poignant pen for truth-telling.

I’ve been reading. Sometimes I need to replenish myself with other people’s words. I need to retreat to my love of writing and books. Somehow, that’s not feeling like enough right now. But it has been helpful to drink in the carefully crafted sentences and plotlines of some masters of the craft.

Nothing feels quite right. Environmentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally… I know it will sort out and sift into the right drawers, compartmented and keepsaked in the silverware drawer of my mind.

At least I have learned one thing: to be patient. I will wait upon myself and wait upon the Lord. In his timing, things will be more clear.

Filed Under "Depression, Writing" on July 10, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Wow – it’s been an exciting month for me. I have finally started to jump in and embrace doing what I love: writing. It’s taken a long time for me to get here: being side-lined by self-doubt, side-tracked by More Urgent Matters and nagged constantly by the question of “who would want to read it?”. Finally, I’m at a place where all those things are quiet enough and I can just DO it.

I look back over my pink toes, look at the start of A Little Squeeze, look at all the files on my hard drive, look at my little black writer’s book of notes and ideas, and see 5 weeks of work. Five weeks of consistent interaction with my love of and passion for words and writing. Five weeks of believing in myself and working through the ups and downs and taking it slow and just keeping doing it.

Some of that writing has made it here, or at my other blog, and some has been of another nature. One of the most significant pieces of writing I did was for my church’s Leadership Team. It wasn’t appropriate to publish it here, but it has been one of the most satisfying pieces of writing I have done. Why? Because of the amazing conversations it has started. The letter began with a short email I sent letting a staff member know I couldn’t teach the new members' class because I was leaving the church. I then had lunches with a couple of different staff members who encouraged me to write my thoughts down on paper. It took about 3 weeks to write, but I felt so excited about the document – I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to do, like in Chariots of Fire where Eric tells his sister, “God also made me fast, and when I run, I feel his pleasure.”. It’s always dangerous when someone starts to tell you that “God told me to do this”. I know that kind of statement is often used to shut people down, because how can you argue with God? But in this instance, I didn’t necessarily feel I was writing God’s words, but the words itself had direct relationship to my feeling the Spirit moving in me. My words had substance, they had meaning – they have started more conversations and made people think. It’s an exciting thing to have put words out there that people are moved enough by to interact with in a meaningful way.

What happens with the letter, or with my blogs is really beside the point. I feel like for the first time I am really stepping out and doing what God made me to do. And I’ve never felt better.

*the title refers back to this post where I alluded to things that were brewing. at that point, I was on the brink of much of the writing described above.

Filed Under "Faith, Journey, Writing" on May 12, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm working on writing more and developing my voice. I've also been writing a lot about my faith in Jesus and about my passions. Lydia from Emerging Women has started a blog for those writing about faith to share and solicit feedback. It's called, straightforwardly enough, Writing About Faith.

I put a link up there with my last essay in it. Please head over there and offer me some feedback, or give me some right here. You can leave it in the comments or email me at Leah AT mypinktoes DOT com.

Come join the writing community - I look forward to your feedback!

Filed Under "Faith, Journey, Meta, Writing" on April 19, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)